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[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Date: December 14, 1999
Status: Private
Setting: The Garden
Summary: Raphael and Gabriel have a chat



Raphael wandered the garden and eventually came to a bench, sitting for a while. He had never missed his celestial home so much as he had right then. Earth was corrupt and debauched and now, on top of everything else, rather lonely.

The angel hadn't talked to anybody, really, since finding out about Michael and Aziraphale. It felt like being stabbed in the back, finding out that trusted compatriots were willingly violiating a rule he scrupulously followed. For a long time he'd been so upset he'd refused to come out of his room and after resolutely ignored everyone around him.

Things were starting to get lonely, however. He'd only really been comfortable with his fellow angels and now he felt like he couldn't trust even them. Everything was tainted and everyone didnt' seem to realize how serious it was. He didn't want to get in trouble; he didn't want to disobey...

But Raphael wished he had someone to talk to, someone who understood.

He sat on the bench and looked up at the sky.

Home felt very far away.

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[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael was broken out of his reverie by the sound of a voice. He looked towards the source and saw yet another of the mansion's angel, Gabriel. He'd been so distracted he'd even failed to sense the other angel drawing near.

As soon as he set eyes on him, he frowned, and his face darkened further after Gabriel asked his question.

"How have I been?" He muttered. "As if you do not know. You and every other debauched liar in here who masquerades as an angel.

Bad enough that you are willing to disobedient. But now this... After all, I take it that you make a self-justified effort too, don't you?" His voice grew strained. "So with whom do you make an effort? Yourself? Playwrights? Fellow angels?"

He fixed his gaze on the ground and wrapped his wings partially around himself.

"It's not fair," he whispered. "I am the obedient one. I am the one who maintains his virtue and does not even invite temptation by making an effort. I am the one who stays pure."

The wind ruffled his feathers and his tone grew increasingly bitter.

"So why is it that the others stay unpunished and I do not even have the solace of an answer to my questions or the chance to go home?"

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel arched a brow at the other angel. "Good day to you, too, dear," he muttered, only a bit put out by Raphael's bitterness, as he took a seat on the bench next to Raphael. He sighed, a heavy feeling settling between his shoulder blades, as though his wings weighed him down, though they were not now extended.

What was he to say, really? Belial had managed to illicit responses from this mortal form that he did not understand, that made him despise the demon afterward, but despise himself even more. But these thoughts he could hardly bring himself to share with his companion, especially when Raphael was already clearly distraught.

Gabriel blinked up into the sunlight, seeing so much more than the blue sky or the grey clouds that gathered in the distance.

What he said was, "Sometimes it is through our greatest shame that we know true grace."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael scoffed at his companion.

"Grace through shame? Don't be ridiculous. Shame deprives us of grace. That is the way it has always been and I don't see why everyone else seems to overlook that."

He glared at Gabriel with angry, offended eyes.

"I trusted you - all of you. And especially Michael. Trusted him to set a good example, to be supportive of the duties we had to fulfill. Instead, Michael deceives and demons tell the truth..."

Furious he looked in the other direction from Gabriel.

"You never did answer my questions. No answer is needed I suppose. You're all the same, all of you tainted.

Well I hope you Fall," he spat out maliciously. "Every last one of you, for loving flesh more than Him and spitting upon virtue.

I hope you Fall good and hard, and then we'll see which one of us was the wiser."

He hung his head and felt his eyes sting, imagining everyone he knew ripped away and gone.

But if that was the plan, he would have to endure it.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

"How dare you," Gabriel hissed.

There was a dangerous glint in his eyes as he rose abruptly from the bench, anger catching in his throat and, perhaps fortunately, silencing his initial response. He took a deep breath, letting his lungs expand to take in the oxygen that he did not need. It was somehow settling.

"There is only one who will decide if I Fall, Raphael, and you are not He. And if I should, it will not be your place to feel such pride over it."

He paused, trembling slightly over his words. He feared he had said too much, but the thought of any of them Falling, Michael, Aziraphale - Belial, he did not add - was a bitter poison, the taste of which he did not care to dwell on.

"I do not know what Michael has said to you for you wish us all such ill will," he said in a bitingly calm tone, "but I will not stand for such words as this against any of us. I came here to talk to you, but if you insist on clinging to this anger, then I'm sorry I did."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"How dare I?" Raphael shot back. "You are the ones who did wrong! And why shouldn't I be angry if it's merited?"

His eyes were glassy and blood-shot but he still held back his tears of anger and frustration.

"Oh Michael didn't say much," he snarled. "Only that he masturbates and lusts after my body. No, not much at all.

And apparently I am alone in find this... travesty to be unacceptable."

Raphael's face was flushed with rage and he too was trembling.

"What am I supposed to say to that? He was my compatriot! My leader! I listened to Michael as well as I do Him! And he would have dragged me down with him into his sordid passion.

I do not judge who Falls, Gabriel. But I know what makes one Fall - turning away from him and towards earthly goals instead of heavenly ones. And there is no pride in seeing another Fall, only a sense that justice has been rendered."

He looked down at the ground beneath him and shuddered.

"I do not wish to Fall. And I will not have you nor the demon Crowley nor Aziraphale nor even Michael tempt me. No one seems to care for what is proper, only for what feels good. But I refuse to be seduced by that, even if I am mocked, even if my prayers go unanswered. I will stand my moral ground...

Even if it means standing alone," he said and the tears spilled over.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Any anger, any doubt stirred up by Raphael's spiteful words suddenly became secondary to the tears that welled in his fellow archangel's eyes. It had been obvious that Raphael must have been quite upset about something to be this vehement, but Gabriel hadn't realized the issue had struck the other archangel quite so harshly. Then again, he thought soberly, he couldn't imagine what it would be like to be the object of another angel's lust...

"My dear Raphael," Gabriel murmured, and he wrapped one arm cautiously around the other's shoulders. "You'll never be alone."

When the other angel put up only meager objections, Gabriel pulled him into a familiar embrace, patting his back gently and murmuring soft words of comfort into Raphael's coppery hair.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael had already been on edge. He couldn't remember the last time he'd gone so long without enjoying the company of another angel. It had only been a short time since the debacle had started but he was used to interaction, even in the mansion.

And deep down inside, he hated to be alone.

As Gabriel touched him, he shuddered and sobbed into the other angel's shoulder.

"I don't want to Fall!" He wept. "I don't want to be alone but I don't want to Fall..." His frustration and anguish over his perceived betrayal came flooding out. "It's not supposed to be this way and I'm too afraid..."

His voice grew low and soft.

"What if I made an effort? What if I felt something? What if I wanted him to do to me what he has imagined?

What would become of us..."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Words caught in Gabriel's throat, a hundred reassurances that he could not speak, because in all honesty, he had no idea what would happen. He felt as though they were all poised on a cliff's edge, so vulnerable to what lay beyond, so easily thrown into the abyss of the unknown.

He wanted to lie. He wanted to tell Raphael that everything would be all right, and that all their transgressions would be forgiven. After all, if these accusations of Michael were true and yet the angel remained head of Heaven's armies, if Gabriel himself could get so lost in Belial's touch and still find the Presence...

"You won't, dear," he whispered, and meant it. "You won't Fall..."

Because if he couldn't be sure of that, of Raphael and his loyal healing, what could he cling to?

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"So..." Raphael gasped in sobs. "So maybe... maybe a small effort wouldn't hurt? Just... just to try and see. You know. How it feels.

Not saying I have to do anything," he whispered miserably. "Making an effort doesn't equal sex..." He reiterated, thinking of Michael. "And Aziraphale did it over a century ago...

But what if I loved another Angel more than Him? Then what? I don't want to Fall Gabriel, but on the other hand..."

His eyes grew wide and his body shook.

"What if I Fall anyway for not loving? I've said terrible things Gabriel... terrible things, I was so angry at everything and I didn't stop to think..." Another sob tore out of his throat.

"The others must hate me now. But I don't want them to Fall either. Honest, I don't.

You're the only family I've known... and I love you."

He went limp from emotional exhaustion in Gabriel's arms and let the tears dry on his cheeks.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel gently guided Raphael back to the bench, still keeping one arm around his fellow as the other leaned heavily into him. He'd only just begun to notice the winter chill that stung his cheeks and the tip of his nose, and the Heavenly scent of Raphael's ruffled feathers hung thick and sweet in the air around them.

He still didn't know what to say.

"No one hates you, dear," he began carefully. "Even the best of us are faced with some confusion. The others will understand just as I have. We are, as you said, family, after all. And - and Michael..."

He chose his words cautiously, feeling with every syllable as though he tread across ground that shifted beneath his feet, leaving his path unclear. There was so little left to him that he understood, and that which he had once been sure of seemed to slip from his thoughts, as elusive as liquid mercury. His lips curved upwards in a wry smile at the dormant garden beyond. He was in no place to advise another archangel, not with his own emotions so raw and thoughts of Belial still dizzying in his head.

And yet...

"I think you need to ask yourself, my dear, if loving Michael diminishes your love for Him in any way. I suspect you'll find that it doesn't. We are, after all, meant to love what God has created..."

"You couldn't recognize love if it so slapped you in the face."

"And I don't think, so long as you keep that faith, Raphael, which has always shone so brightly around you, I don't think you shall ever Fall..."

"Is it a sin, Gabriel, to love the flesh that God has created?"

"And as for - as for the other..."

"What is it that you want from this life?"

Too heavy for his own skin, and yet still not heavy enough to anchor his spiraling thoughts, Gabriel sank against the other angel. Even as the scent of soft feathers enveloped him, he knew he longed only for the feel of another, and that knowledge overwhelmed him like a rush of cold water, so strong as to leave a man shuddering and breathless.

"As for that, I honestly don't know."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael drew in close to his companion and tries to relax. He felt tired to the point where he almost wanted to sleep and he even let his eyes close.

"I don't know what to do," he murmured. "I'm so confused.

I wish I had never come to this awful place."

He sighed and sank further into the other angel's side and extended a field of warmth over the both of them.

"I should go and apologize. Especially to Michael. Aziraphale too. Maybe even the demon.

But I really shouldn't have been so nasty to Michael." He paused. "You don't think that would be... awkward? He won't try to cajole me or anything?

I'm just not sure if I'm ready to make an effort yet, let alone... do something."