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[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Date: December 14, 1999
Status: Private
Setting: The Garden
Summary: Raphael and Gabriel have a chat



Raphael wandered the garden and eventually came to a bench, sitting for a while. He had never missed his celestial home so much as he had right then. Earth was corrupt and debauched and now, on top of everything else, rather lonely.

The angel hadn't talked to anybody, really, since finding out about Michael and Aziraphale. It felt like being stabbed in the back, finding out that trusted compatriots were willingly violiating a rule he scrupulously followed. For a long time he'd been so upset he'd refused to come out of his room and after resolutely ignored everyone around him.

Things were starting to get lonely, however. He'd only really been comfortable with his fellow angels and now he felt like he couldn't trust even them. Everything was tainted and everyone didnt' seem to realize how serious it was. He didn't want to get in trouble; he didn't want to disobey...

But Raphael wished he had someone to talk to, someone who understood.

He sat on the bench and looked up at the sky.

Home felt very far away.

Comments

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

It was only seconds after sensing his aura itself that Gabriel knew something was bothering Raphael; it was almost tangible in the other angel's presence as he grew near. He was not quite sure what had befallen his fellow archangels over the past few days, but he had noticed both Raphael and Michael acting rather sullenly as of late.

Of course, he had been a bit withdrawn himself recently, he reminded himself, and had to pointedly steer his thoughts toward anything but Belial. Memories of the demon now tainted his skin just as they colored his thoughts, and he found it harder and harder to rid himself of the intrusive image of Belial's lips on his neck...

He fussed pointlessly with the cuff of his shirt, and with a stoic sigh, buried any doubts as he moved to search out his fellow archangel.

Raphael had not gone far through the manor's garden, and it was not long before Gabriel was smiling down upon the familiar face. "How good to see you, Raphael," he said fondly. "I've not run into you much lately. How have you been?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael was broken out of his reverie by the sound of a voice. He looked towards the source and saw yet another of the mansion's angel, Gabriel. He'd been so distracted he'd even failed to sense the other angel drawing near.

As soon as he set eyes on him, he frowned, and his face darkened further after Gabriel asked his question.

"How have I been?" He muttered. "As if you do not know. You and every other debauched liar in here who masquerades as an angel.

Bad enough that you are willing to disobedient. But now this... After all, I take it that you make a self-justified effort too, don't you?" His voice grew strained. "So with whom do you make an effort? Yourself? Playwrights? Fellow angels?"

He fixed his gaze on the ground and wrapped his wings partially around himself.

"It's not fair," he whispered. "I am the obedient one. I am the one who maintains his virtue and does not even invite temptation by making an effort. I am the one who stays pure."

The wind ruffled his feathers and his tone grew increasingly bitter.

"So why is it that the others stay unpunished and I do not even have the solace of an answer to my questions or the chance to go home?"

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel arched a brow at the other angel. "Good day to you, too, dear," he muttered, only a bit put out by Raphael's bitterness, as he took a seat on the bench next to Raphael. He sighed, a heavy feeling settling between his shoulder blades, as though his wings weighed him down, though they were not now extended.

What was he to say, really? Belial had managed to illicit responses from this mortal form that he did not understand, that made him despise the demon afterward, but despise himself even more. But these thoughts he could hardly bring himself to share with his companion, especially when Raphael was already clearly distraught.

Gabriel blinked up into the sunlight, seeing so much more than the blue sky or the grey clouds that gathered in the distance.

What he said was, "Sometimes it is through our greatest shame that we know true grace."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael scoffed at his companion.

"Grace through shame? Don't be ridiculous. Shame deprives us of grace. That is the way it has always been and I don't see why everyone else seems to overlook that."

He glared at Gabriel with angry, offended eyes.

"I trusted you - all of you. And especially Michael. Trusted him to set a good example, to be supportive of the duties we had to fulfill. Instead, Michael deceives and demons tell the truth..."

Furious he looked in the other direction from Gabriel.

"You never did answer my questions. No answer is needed I suppose. You're all the same, all of you tainted.

Well I hope you Fall," he spat out maliciously. "Every last one of you, for loving flesh more than Him and spitting upon virtue.

I hope you Fall good and hard, and then we'll see which one of us was the wiser."

He hung his head and felt his eyes sting, imagining everyone he knew ripped away and gone.

But if that was the plan, he would have to endure it.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

"How dare you," Gabriel hissed.

There was a dangerous glint in his eyes as he rose abruptly from the bench, anger catching in his throat and, perhaps fortunately, silencing his initial response. He took a deep breath, letting his lungs expand to take in the oxygen that he did not need. It was somehow settling.

"There is only one who will decide if I Fall, Raphael, and you are not He. And if I should, it will not be your place to feel such pride over it."

He paused, trembling slightly over his words. He feared he had said too much, but the thought of any of them Falling, Michael, Aziraphale - Belial, he did not add - was a bitter poison, the taste of which he did not care to dwell on.

"I do not know what Michael has said to you for you wish us all such ill will," he said in a bitingly calm tone, "but I will not stand for such words as this against any of us. I came here to talk to you, but if you insist on clinging to this anger, then I'm sorry I did."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"How dare I?" Raphael shot back. "You are the ones who did wrong! And why shouldn't I be angry if it's merited?"

His eyes were glassy and blood-shot but he still held back his tears of anger and frustration.

"Oh Michael didn't say much," he snarled. "Only that he masturbates and lusts after my body. No, not much at all.

And apparently I am alone in find this... travesty to be unacceptable."

Raphael's face was flushed with rage and he too was trembling.

"What am I supposed to say to that? He was my compatriot! My leader! I listened to Michael as well as I do Him! And he would have dragged me down with him into his sordid passion.

I do not judge who Falls, Gabriel. But I know what makes one Fall - turning away from him and towards earthly goals instead of heavenly ones. And there is no pride in seeing another Fall, only a sense that justice has been rendered."

He looked down at the ground beneath him and shuddered.

"I do not wish to Fall. And I will not have you nor the demon Crowley nor Aziraphale nor even Michael tempt me. No one seems to care for what is proper, only for what feels good. But I refuse to be seduced by that, even if I am mocked, even if my prayers go unanswered. I will stand my moral ground...

Even if it means standing alone," he said and the tears spilled over.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Any anger, any doubt stirred up by Raphael's spiteful words suddenly became secondary to the tears that welled in his fellow archangel's eyes. It had been obvious that Raphael must have been quite upset about something to be this vehement, but Gabriel hadn't realized the issue had struck the other archangel quite so harshly. Then again, he thought soberly, he couldn't imagine what it would be like to be the object of another angel's lust...

"My dear Raphael," Gabriel murmured, and he wrapped one arm cautiously around the other's shoulders. "You'll never be alone."

When the other angel put up only meager objections, Gabriel pulled him into a familiar embrace, patting his back gently and murmuring soft words of comfort into Raphael's coppery hair.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael had already been on edge. He couldn't remember the last time he'd gone so long without enjoying the company of another angel. It had only been a short time since the debacle had started but he was used to interaction, even in the mansion.

And deep down inside, he hated to be alone.

As Gabriel touched him, he shuddered and sobbed into the other angel's shoulder.

"I don't want to Fall!" He wept. "I don't want to be alone but I don't want to Fall..." His frustration and anguish over his perceived betrayal came flooding out. "It's not supposed to be this way and I'm too afraid..."

His voice grew low and soft.

"What if I made an effort? What if I felt something? What if I wanted him to do to me what he has imagined?

What would become of us..."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Words caught in Gabriel's throat, a hundred reassurances that he could not speak, because in all honesty, he had no idea what would happen. He felt as though they were all poised on a cliff's edge, so vulnerable to what lay beyond, so easily thrown into the abyss of the unknown.

He wanted to lie. He wanted to tell Raphael that everything would be all right, and that all their transgressions would be forgiven. After all, if these accusations of Michael were true and yet the angel remained head of Heaven's armies, if Gabriel himself could get so lost in Belial's touch and still find the Presence...

"You won't, dear," he whispered, and meant it. "You won't Fall..."

Because if he couldn't be sure of that, of Raphael and his loyal healing, what could he cling to?

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"So..." Raphael gasped in sobs. "So maybe... maybe a small effort wouldn't hurt? Just... just to try and see. You know. How it feels.

Not saying I have to do anything," he whispered miserably. "Making an effort doesn't equal sex..." He reiterated, thinking of Michael. "And Aziraphale did it over a century ago...

But what if I loved another Angel more than Him? Then what? I don't want to Fall Gabriel, but on the other hand..."

His eyes grew wide and his body shook.

"What if I Fall anyway for not loving? I've said terrible things Gabriel... terrible things, I was so angry at everything and I didn't stop to think..." Another sob tore out of his throat.

"The others must hate me now. But I don't want them to Fall either. Honest, I don't.

You're the only family I've known... and I love you."

He went limp from emotional exhaustion in Gabriel's arms and let the tears dry on his cheeks.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel gently guided Raphael back to the bench, still keeping one arm around his fellow as the other leaned heavily into him. He'd only just begun to notice the winter chill that stung his cheeks and the tip of his nose, and the Heavenly scent of Raphael's ruffled feathers hung thick and sweet in the air around them.

He still didn't know what to say.

"No one hates you, dear," he began carefully. "Even the best of us are faced with some confusion. The others will understand just as I have. We are, as you said, family, after all. And - and Michael..."

He chose his words cautiously, feeling with every syllable as though he tread across ground that shifted beneath his feet, leaving his path unclear. There was so little left to him that he understood, and that which he had once been sure of seemed to slip from his thoughts, as elusive as liquid mercury. His lips curved upwards in a wry smile at the dormant garden beyond. He was in no place to advise another archangel, not with his own emotions so raw and thoughts of Belial still dizzying in his head.

And yet...

"I think you need to ask yourself, my dear, if loving Michael diminishes your love for Him in any way. I suspect you'll find that it doesn't. We are, after all, meant to love what God has created..."

"You couldn't recognize love if it so slapped you in the face."

"And I don't think, so long as you keep that faith, Raphael, which has always shone so brightly around you, I don't think you shall ever Fall..."

"Is it a sin, Gabriel, to love the flesh that God has created?"

"And as for - as for the other..."

"What is it that you want from this life?"

Too heavy for his own skin, and yet still not heavy enough to anchor his spiraling thoughts, Gabriel sank against the other angel. Even as the scent of soft feathers enveloped him, he knew he longed only for the feel of another, and that knowledge overwhelmed him like a rush of cold water, so strong as to leave a man shuddering and breathless.

"As for that, I honestly don't know."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael drew in close to his companion and tries to relax. He felt tired to the point where he almost wanted to sleep and he even let his eyes close.

"I don't know what to do," he murmured. "I'm so confused.

I wish I had never come to this awful place."

He sighed and sank further into the other angel's side and extended a field of warmth over the both of them.

"I should go and apologize. Especially to Michael. Aziraphale too. Maybe even the demon.

But I really shouldn't have been so nasty to Michael." He paused. "You don't think that would be... awkward? He won't try to cajole me or anything?

I'm just not sure if I'm ready to make an effort yet, let alone... do something."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel stroked the other angel's back gently in the arch between spread wings, shivering lightly even as the warm of Raphael's powers enveloped him. It felt odd to see his fellow in this light, and he wasn't sure it was his place to counsel Raphael in either direction. Yet some bitter voice in the back of his mind whispered to him that if one had to face these issues, they would be much easier to sort through with a fellow archangel and not -

Not a being that had Fallen from them.

He pressed his cheek to Raphael's red hair, catching the faint scent of cinnamon and sunlight, even with the sun's warmth so scare on this day. "I'm sure they would be glad to hear it from you, especially Michael. And if anything, I think, it's probably Crowley that owes you an apology, though I doubt you shall ever get one from him."

His gaze wandered to the spot where - just months ago, though even to the immortal it seemed like an eternity - he had spoken to Constantine. Gabriel felt now more than ever that he was surrounded by the graceful drifts of acrid cigarette smoke, his surroundings melted in a milky haze.

It stung, suddenly, in his chest, behind his eyes. Michael and Raphael had always been close, even among the archangels. And if something, somewhere in the cosmos, made it right for dear Aziraphale to be with that demon...

In that moment, the idyllic manor around them seemed nothing more than a fragile scene captured in a plastic globe, so very near to tilting, so easily subject to the storm.

"I don't think, my dear," he finished slowly, "that Michael would ever do anything to intentionally hurt you. However, perhaps this is a conversation you best have with him."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael felt the touch of Gabriel's hand and sighed. He knew he should get up but everything felt so comfortable and he was exhausted. It was refreshing and cathartic to be able to talk about his worries to someone he could trust anyway.

"Crowley wouldn't. But he did only tell the truth. And I feel awful about Michael. I haven't decided what to do yet but...

Gabriel? Rhetorically, if I were to ask someone about making an effort, who could tell me the most? And... and be trusted not to tell Michael?"

He looked at the garden and tried to clear his muddled thoughts.

"I should know. You know. Just... just in case. I mean, if I need it. In the future." He sighed. "And I would talk to Michael... I just don't know where to begin." He frowned. "I'm such a coward."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel thought only a moment, for though he didn't quite know what to make of his answer, it came to him quickly. "Aziraphale, I'd imagine."

He was torn between abhorrence and amusement at the thought of that conversation.

"But I don't think you need to rush into anything, dear. Just talk to Michael. I'd be willing to bet that he's having trouble finding a place to begin as well."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Aziraphale?" He repeated thoughtfully and nodded. "Very well. I suppose I shall have to find him and ask him." He blushed. "Unless... unless you want to tell me. But, I mean, if you think he'd be better I can go and... and ask him nicely..."

His wings drooped slightly and he fidgeted with his robe when thinking of Michael.

"That's right. No rushing. Just... just a talk. That's all. I can handle that."

He looked at his fellow angel and smiled.

"Thank you, Gabriel," he murmured, and brushed the other's cheek lightly with his lips in the manner that one dear, close - if platonic - friend would say thanks to another.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel's breath caught in his throat, and he shut his eyes tightly against his whirling thoughts while he was sure the other was not looking. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes once more, letting his gaze stray anywhere but to Raphael's face. His lips parted to ask why, what Raphael thought he knew, but he realized that any question of his experience would likely lead to the issue of Belial. He didn't know what knowledge Raphael already had of his dealings with the demon and in all honesty didn't care to find out.

Instead, he said falteringly, "I - I don't know what I could tell you, really, my dear."

And then the kiss, a brush of lips as light and soft as the downy feathers, which so surrounded him with their scent, so reminded him of Above. Gabriel patted the other's back fondly.

"Of course, Raphael. I'm sure that Michael will be more than willing to forgive a fellow archangel."

Even as he spoke the words, they stung the very depths of his heart, though he would not let himself think on why.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael smiled at him brightly, happy to feel not quite so alone again. He stood and spread his wings - it wasn't a long distance to the house but he wanted to stretch them.

"Again, many thanks Gabriel. For everything. Blessings upon you and I shall see you later."

With that, he flapped his wings and took to the sky, knowing what he had to do even if he needed him to work himself up to it.