(no subject)

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Date: January 4, 2001
Status: Private - Adam, Pepper
Setting: Pepper's Room
Summary: Adam wants to check up on his friend.


It had been three days since their New Year's kiss and Adam hadn't seen Pepper anywhere. He was starting to get a little worried. It could have gone better, sure, but she wouldn't just avoid him afterward, would she? He didn't want that to happen again.

Just in case, Adam went to the kitchen and armed himself with Wensleydale's best hot cocoa. When Wens had learned it was for Pepper, he added extra whipped cream and a mint leaf. Smiling faintly, Adam carried it carefully up the stairs and knocked on her door.

"Pep? You in there? I got somethin' for ya."

Comments

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

Pepper looked at the napkin quizzically for a moment before the recognition dawned on her face, which came in two parts; first wide-eyed embarrassment, then a sarcastic snort as she snatched the napkin from him and wiped her nose off. Nope, nothing ladylike here, that was for sure.

"You'd think payin' for their room wouldn't be a problem for most of 'em," she said wonderingly. "I mean, most of them c'n just make whatever they want, right? Then again, so c'n you, so I guess it doesn't really matter." She knew there was an economy lesson in there somewhere, but she really wasn't interested.

She chuckled after a moment, remembering how uncomfortable John had been and oh-so-amused to know that he had been nervous about the wrong person under the mistletoe. "Well, that explains a few things for sure," she decided before sighing heavily. "They're not talkin'? I'll beat them both. Bloody stupid the two of them, you can't fix anythin' without-" But she cut herself off as some private voice in her ear shouted the word hypocrite. As if she were any damn better. No, in the end it was Adam, Adam as always. He was the one who knew what needed to be done.

So the least she could do was meet him halfway. "I c'n ask Crowley. He did it b'fore, I think they just got lax with 'im away. And I dun't need Gabriel for it; it's nothin' I haven't dealt with on the playground when we were tiny." She felt his gaze, always keener than she felt anyone's, so she looked up and met it. "I just... wasn't sure. About how badly I'd screwed up. With you." She had luckily managed to stop herself before she said us; there wasn't an us, there was him.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Adam shrugged. The economics of the Manor weren't really important. It worked because he wanted it to and that was about it.

"I can't say as how I agree with 'em right now. I know they're embarrassed and bein' gay's not so pop'lar 'round these parts, but they care 'bout each other an' that should count for somethin'. No point in hidin' from it. Nothin's gonna get solved 'less they talk and the longer they put it off, the harder it's gonna get. We can't make 'em, though. That won't help anythin'. They gotta figure it out on their own or it won't mean nothin'."

He stared at Pepper's dirty shoes. "'s kinda why I'm here now. To talk an' make things right with you. Nobody's messed anythin' up, but I don't want us to be all weird, either. You're my best friend, Pep. You always will be. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't give you what you want either, so I don't know what to do."

Adam was always sure. About everything. It was sort of what Adam was: the foundation this whole endeavor was built upon. But on this matter, Adam wasn't sure - wasn't certain about the path he wanted to take. And it was a little frightening, that hairline fissure in the rock...

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

"I guess you're right," Pepper said doubtfully, feeling all of the gathering pain sharper now that she knew that it had spread to more people that she cared about. "Can't see the harm in talkin' to 'em, though. And Brian's still gonna get a solid punch from me anyway. We dun't need anythin' else makin' Wens more neurotic than he is."

She sighed then. That was the problem, wasn't it? She couldn't take it back. Even if she tried, it wouldn't be true. So where did that leave things, exactly? Any other person probably would have backed out, packed up, gone home. How did the saying go? - 'Unrequited love's a bore?' But she had to be there for him, she had said she would be. No, it was more selfish than that. She didn't want to lose him. Not in any capacity. So if the rules were set, she would have to listen to them.

"I..." She swallowed dryly before beginning again. "I just dun't want it... awkward. I mean, I dun't want to act like it didn't happen either, because that never makes things all right. But it would be worse if we couldn't talk to each other, or...." Or a million other things. Like flinching away from contact, or not being able to look one another in the eye, or always over-analyzing what they said to each other.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

"You think that's fair?" Adam asked. "To go up an' say, 'Hey, I saw you two kissin'. Why don't you do it some more?' It's just you puttin' more pressure on 'em. An' Brian can be hurt, too. He just don't show it as much as Wensley. Don't mean he don't feel it as strong."

No, she couldn't take it back, and even if she could, it wouldn't have mattered. Having the object of your affections be damn near omniscient doesn't allow for secrets. But as much as he cared for Pepper and wanted her around, he wouldn't force her to stay. It was entirely her choice. He was compassionate enough to not want to make her endure heart-ache over and over again. But he was selfish enough not to send her away.

Adam looked up to meet her eyes. "Oh, Pep... I don't wanna pretend it didn't happen or try to forget it. I liked it. An' it would take a lot more than a kiss to make me..."

(unable to forgive you, Judas)

"...stop wantin' to talk to you."

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

She rolled her eyes. "I dun't mean that. I wouldn't say that." But he had a point. She could be too blunt sometimes. "I just want to know what happened, is all. Besides, they might need someone to talk to. And it's not like any one of us is really good at gettin' help when we need it." All too stubborn. More than a little scared too, she thought.

She sighed at the reassurance, though it made her pause. Liked it? She was fairly sure that she should be glad of that; she had too, after all. Just too much. "Good. Because I wouldn't want to feel..."

(The star that leads the way is your star.)

"...left out of things. Just because I stopped thinkin' with my brain for a moment." Her mouth twisted in a self-deprecating manner and she took another sip of cocoa to mask it.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

He nodded. "No, you're right. We should talk to 'em in case they do wanna talk 'bout it. But no forcin' the issue. We jus' talk about it if they bring it up, right? You wanna take Wens an' me Brian?" And if Adam spoke of himself and Pepper as if they were a team, well, they were.

With a smile, Adam shook his head. "Stop, Pep. You didn't do anythin' wrong. You don't think I coulda stopped you if I wanted to? I'm not even talkin' powers here. I jus' mean I coulda put out my hands and said no, but I didn't. So it was jus' as much my decision as yours, okay? It don't change how I feel 'bout you." The blond paused. Then, "It is an ever-fixed mark..." he ended in a murmur.

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

She decided that plan sounded well enough for her and nodded quite seriously before breaking out into a full-on grin. Just so long as Brian and Wensley could talk without worrying about getting judged even more. Of course, they didn't know that Adam and Pepper knew. Well, that would be the first barrier to break, she supposed. "Yeah, I'll take Wens. He never could keep a thing from me if I stared at 'em for long enough."

She set down her hot chocolate as she listened to him speak more. He certainly could have stopped her, in fact, part of her still couldn't understand why he hadn't. But then, as he said, he hadn't disliked the whole thing so... well, she still didn't quite get it. But that was fine. This sort of thing was never easy to understand, no matter what you did. "Okay," she agreed, catching the trail-off and raising a teasing eyebrow. "What's that s'pposed to mean?" she half-laughed, though she was truly curious.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Adam laughed. "That's true enough. An' I c'n talk to Brian without hittin' him," he joked.

Then he grew sober again, looking frankly at her. "It's somethin' Shakespeare wrote. Means love don't change no matter what happens - no matter if the person you love gets old, or you never see 'em again, or you kiss 'em when you don't quite mean to, or nothin'."

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

"Eh, it's good for 'im," Pepper insisted. "Makes sure he keeps 'imself in line."

At another time Pepper might have protested Shakespeare's idea on that particular subject. After all, people got divorced and disowned their own children, and changed into different people sometimes, and hurt each other over and over again. But at that moment she was highly inclined to agree. "Guess not," she said quietly.

After a silent moment she grabbed hold of something on her desk - a very old and rather tame stuffed shark - and chucked it at Adam's head. It did no good to keep staring at each other with such somber faces, not if they didn't have to.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Pleased that Pepper hadn't argued the point - it was hard to discuss the constancy of love when others didn't have quite the same perspective on it - Adam let the stuffed toy hit him in the head and fell back on the bed wrestling with it.

"Sharky, no! We been friends for years, ain't we? Why this? Why now?" he wailed.

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

Pepper got up from her chair and moved over to the bed to watch the ensuing struggle. "Go on, Sharky, you 'ave your orders. No mercy. And no monologuing to explain your evil deeds." She watched with feigned coldness, like a general overseeing a battle from a great distance. It was hard not to laugh.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

In a squeaky voice that was apparently supposed to be that of the shark, he said, "But Fraulein... I've waited years to attack the boy, Adam. You know how we've been plannin' to shave 'im bald and turn all that yellow hair to gold so we c'n afford that laser beam and FINALLY TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

Adam nearly couldn't finish, he was laughing so hard.

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

Oh, he hadn't used that voice in far too long.

She flicked the shark in the head sharply, doubled over with laughter. "I told you not to monologue! Now he knows everythin'! You've put us right in the enemy's hands! The battle is lost unless I do somethin' drastic and unexpected!" So she spun around and dropped to the bed, landing directly across Adam's stomach.

Okay, that wasn't really an unexpected move. But knocking the wind out of people had always been a speciality of hers.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

"PEH!" he managed. No one can laugh when they're not breathing, but Adam was certainly trying. Attack seemed his only means of escape, so he started tickling her fiercely.