(no subject)

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

Time: Late afternoon, 25 July 2000
Place: The Manor Grounds
Status: Public
Summary: The Barbecue

Severus had prepared for this extensively, had done research as soon as he was told that he needed to provide food for a ‘barbecue’. Well, that was American, wasn’t it? A newly-published book titled The Great American Barbecue and Grilling Manual was his starting point. (The words ‘great’ and ‘American’ did not belong in the same sentence, although perhaps he might be mistaken, never having been to America.) After learning that this was not merely an American cuisine but a regional (Southern) American cuisine, he began to specialise. Having found a butcher to bring a pig and something to cook it over (yes, the whole pig, you dolt) he learned that it could have been done with a goat as it had been in the Caribbean, and with less effort.

Having put forth effort already, he pushed ahead. The intensive labour required to prepare food by the slow ‘barbecue’ method had been provided by Remus Lupin, although he surely did not understand when he volunteered exactly what it was he’d be doing. The butcher himself was also interested and so Snape had ‘invited’ him to come and help. Work for the day, eat. Bring your family with you and they can help and eat also. Only if they help. Severus’ labour shortage crisis solved.

The whole concept of barbecue sauce was confusing, so he’d made three kinds. Two for public consumption—a South Carolina style with mustard, vinegar and black pepper that seemed reasonable enough. Kansas City style that was thick, red-brown, and gloppy, made with a tomato base and molasses. The third was for Crowley, a Texas-style sauce amusingly named ‘Devil’s Spit’ made from a tomato base with cumin and hot chiles. These American chiles being unavailable, he procured an Oriental variety that were infinitely hotter. Let him call that bland.

Chicken would go on, although not for as long as the blasted pig, and sausages for the unadventurous. The Brunswick Stew might end up in the restaurant under ‘American Cuisine’. It was simple enough, with a tomato base, lima beans (or any beans), corn, other vegetables, and meat. Traditionally rabbit or squirrel but he could use leftover pork, chicken, beef or even cut-up sausages. Basically, a fine way to rid himself of leftover almost anything and he revised his opinion of American ingenuity. The true test would be Crowley’s opinion. If he disapproved, it was definitely going on the menu.

Okra and sweet potatoes proved impossible to procure. Field greens—of the turnip variety—were simple enough to cook in some of the extra pig fat. Black-eyed peas, which looked an awful lot like beans, with bacon. He made carrots in sauce of butter and brown sugar that seemed terribly French, but he simply shrugged. There would be green peas—not mushy, unfortunately, which would have made Crowley complain and Snape smile, a dish of fried apples that was a side dish, apparently popular with pork, and potato salad. It was a source of annoyance that the recipe he found for this called for red potatoes that did not need to be peeled. How brilliant would it have been to set Lupin to peeling potatoes for his own requested potato salad?

Cornbread was simple enough to make, although all the different names and types confused him. The concept of beaten biscuits was repulsive so he settled on cheddar biscuits instead. American biscuits, he found, were a bread roll that seemed a bizarre combination of bap, scone, and crumpet. But they were a Southern staple and very simple to make. Devilled eggs—also simple, seemingly French—were another extra dish along with pickles of varied types. He refused to make grits—porridge was bad enough at breakfast and he would certainly not serve it in any other time.

Cold tea, sweet, with or without lemon was also a disgusting concept. Lemonade, if people wished to drink it. Lupin had to deal with squeezing the lemons, too. He had procured some Bourbon and Belial would, he imagined, not object if any leftover made its way to the bar. Mint juleps required it. Mint grew in the garden and sugar was a staple.

Having no sweet potatoes with which to make sweet potato pie, which seemed unpleasant anyway, he went with pecan pie. It was too sweet, but someone would eat it. Pound cake with whipped cream (another job for Lupin) and blackberry cobbler, which was enough like local fare for people to be willing to eat it. If he could have found watermelon, that would have been amusing. But messy, so just as well he hadn’t found it.

All in all, it was a great effort on his part, slave labour or no, and people had better appreciate it else he would be extremely put out.

"Let Wensleydale handle things in the kitchen, Lupin. The butcher will take care of serving the meat. You can clear plates and make sure the dishes are all filled." He had planned this. "The butcher's wife can help with drinks. The children have been disposed of."

Out of the way, nothing more sinister. Eating now, washing dishes later. Work for food, and a good trade on his part.

"Keep an eye on the biscuits, Wensleydale, and see that they don't burn. And make sure there is plenty of ice."

He turned.

"No, mint juleps are not sweets, get away from me, you silly child." Weren't they supposed to be on the far side of the lawn, eating their supper?

Attention Edit: As of this point the Devil's Spit sauce is no longer on the serving table but in Snape's hands, doled out by him. Please do not have your character get into it.

Comments

[bullfightposter.livejournal.com]

Brian pointed at the dour cook. "The wicked barbecue soss," he said beaming. "You've got to have some!" He was still eating. Funny, it all seemed a bit blander. Maybe it needed soss, too.

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

She stared at him. He had called her over in such a frenzy over barbecue sauce? Well, the sooner she got that overwith, the sooner she could really eat. She was pretty damn hungry, after all. And the food looked delicious.

"All right, do I have to ask him for it or somethin'?" She walked over to the sour-faced man. He did not look like a happy sort. More like the sort that the Them would have enjoyed pelting with silly string when they were little. "Sorry sir, I've been told that I have to try the sauce?"

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

Oh wonderful. The young lady only wanted to do what she was told. If only there had been more like her at Hogwarts...

"Yes, your friend mentioned that you might like it and I was seeking opinions as to whether it was flavourful enough." He nodded. "I've been told that my cooking is too bland. What do you think?"

He put a bit of the sauce on a piece of pork--she hadn't brought anything of her own.

"Your friend enjoyed it." He seemed most genuine about it, too, the fool.

[playswithboys.livejournal.com]

Looking at his face, he really didn't seem the kind of man who worried about what anyone thought, least of all whether or not his cooking was bland. But Brian had insisted, and she figured it couldn't hurt much to try it out. He cook handed her the plate, which Pepper took with a brief "Thanks much," and she proceeded to try a bite of the pork slathered in sauce -

She had turned bright pink in about two seconds. It did not compliment her freckles very well.

Holy hell, it burned like she'd stuck her tongue over an open flame and then poured tabasco sauce over the wound. Pepper normally didn't have a problem with spicy, but this wasn't spicy, it was all-consuming fiery hatred in sauce form.

"Bleeding buggering fuck, Brian! What the hell is that and why did you tell me to - " she managed to scream but couldn't finish, dropping the plate on the grass and running over to the beer that someone had (thankfully) set out, chugging the first can in her reach. The carbonation made it worse, though, so she tried lemonade, but that really wasn't helping either.

The hose. That was the best plan. Brian would get it later.

[bullfightposter.livejournal.com]

"Aw, c'mon, Pep, it's not THAT bad-!" Brian called after her retreating form.

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

So the young idiot's name was Brian. Severus filed that away and tried not to smirk. Being skilled at hiding his emotions, he succeeded.

"So she didn't like it, then?" he asked airily. Brian, or anyone who happened to hear. He didn't expect a response, just turned back to what he'd been doing.

Where was Crowley?

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Speak of the devil...

"So you took my advice as to trying a little thing I like to call flavour?" came a dry voice. "Nice spread, Snape. Looks almost edible."

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

"Almost edible?" Smug bastard. "Have you actually tried anything?"

He needed to know.

"If you haven't, then I would suggest you do before complaining to me about it."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley smirked. "That was a compliment, not a complaint. But, no. I haven't tried any of it yet. What does the chef recommend?"

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

"I suggest you try the pork, as it is the more traditional of barbecue foods. I have two sauces there--and a third variety if you're interested. The greens and carrots are both traditional recipes as is the Brunswick stew. The cornbread is interesting." Never had it before.

He frowned.

"Of course, I'm sure you'll touch none of those things just to spite me." He was not certain of anything, really, did not know Crowley very well.

He had read a lot in order to make these things. If Crowley did not like it he could go elsewhere to eat in the future.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"I'll pass on the greens. You're well aware of my fondness for boiled vegetables. And I've always found cornbread to be dry. But I'll try the pork. What the hell. Can't be worse than the pot roast."

Crowley shrugged and waited for Snape to dish up the food. At least it wasn't standard issue British fare.

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

"Have you a care for which sauce you want?" he asked, taking a small amount of meat on the plate. Not that it mattered what Crowley wanted--he was getting Texas-style a la Snape.

"Always found cornbread to be dry? I've never had it or made it before so I'm pleased to note you're giving my efforts a try. I'll know just how much to be concerned in the future should you have cause to complain again."

No one else had complained about the pot roast, smug, whining bastard.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"Whatever tastes like something," said Crowley offhandedly. The pork did smell pretty good.

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

"They all taste like something," he said. They'd had the conversation before. If Crowley hadn't destroyed his tastebuds then he'd know and not require a kilo of curry powder to make his food 'flavourful'.

Well, this should be something.

"Here," he handed the plate over. "But I don't know why I bother as I'm sure it will be inadequate for you."

Just eat it...

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley poked at the food, just to annoy Snape, before stabbing a piece of unsauced pork and chewing on it thoughtfully.

"What do you know? You can actually cook," the demon said, smirking. "See how much better meat can be if you don't boil it to death?"

He took another piece of meat and swirled it liberally in the sauce before popping it in his mouth. It took a few seconds. At first, it registered as pleasantly tangy with a bit of spice. Crowley wasn't worried about that - he had eaten and enjoyed very spicy foods on occasion, though not constantly as Snape seemed to believe. Then it hit the back of his throat and Crowley was left gasping.

"Holy fuck," he managed, then spying some beer, raced down the table, snapped the end off one of the bottles and downed it entirely.

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

Actually cook, why yes I can.

Snape watched the little display with the beer with a quirk of lip that was almost a smile. It was satisfying to know that his effort had not gone to waste.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

The fire having subsided somewhat after two hastily drunk beers, Crowley looked incredulously at Snape and caught his little smirk. That did it. Crowley lost it. He fell to his knees, laughing so hard that he couldn't support his weight. After a few minutes when he was able to control himself, he stood and approached the chef again.

"Nice one, Snape. Well played." He held out a hand to the man, grinning. "I'd call us even now. Truce?"

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

Severus looked at the extended hand with suspicion. The reaction was not exactly what he'd imagined but the young man, Brian, had seemed to enjoy the 'soss' as well.

"I will consider a truce if you concede that there will be things on the menu at the restaurant that you do not care for," he said. "I would suggest that you do not order them and complain. I would also suggest that you don't complain about them being there."

If he did, then Snape had a word for that. He had many, actually, but not all of them were synonyms for 'stupid'.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"And I have a counter offer. I will concede that there will be things on the menu at the restaurant that I do not care for and I won't order them and complain, nor complain about them being there so long as you put a few things on that I do care for and be willing to expand your culinary horizons as you've done here."

Crowley eyed Snape through his sunglasses, still bemused and faintly impressed by the man's chutzpah, even if he didn't know who he was dealing with yet. "Deal?"

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

"I'd like to hear what things you're suggesting first," Snape countered. Don't agree to anything without first hearing the entire deal. "To that end, if you'd consider trying the Brunswick Stew? I would consider this more for wintertime though the Americans obviously ate it at their barbecues--outdoors in barbarous heat."

It was a simple enough and easily modified recipe.

"Otherwise, give me some suggestions or, dare I ask for recipes themselves?" This little quarrel could be resolved amicably, a relative first for Snape, and might gain him an ally of sorts.

He nodded. "Tentative deal."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"Smart man," said Crowley, referring to Snape's hesitancy to agree before hearing the whole deal. "But it's nothing complicated. I'd just like to see you branch out a bit more. Mexican, Italian, Middle Eastern - and no, it doesn't have to be spicy - just different. I've lived all over the world. I get tired of beef, potatoes, and mushy peas. I can't be the only one who'd like to shake it up a little. Fair enough? I'll even help you find recipes. Maybe even lend a hand in the kitchen. Fuck if I've got anything else to do."

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

If the man was going to dwell on the English food...

"There will always be standard English cooking on the menu, Crowley. Simply don't order it." That seemed like the best solution to that little problem.

"As to the rest--Middle Eastern and Italian are easy enough. Mexican?" He'd never eaten Mexican food in his life. He wasn't exactly sure what Mexican food was. There had to be cookbooks--he'd find one.

And if someone wanted to help in the kitchen and they proved competent, he wasn't going to turn them away. He didn't have to pay them.

"That seems equitable for now. If it seems not to work in the future we can always change things." Snape did not normally work with anyone. Another new experience.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"I'm aware there will always be English food on the menu, Snape. But yeah, Mexican. Tacos? Tamales? Lots of corn and pork. If you haven't had it, you're in for an adventure. I won't even ask about Japanese..."

Crowley smirked. This could turn out to be an interesting partnership. For the first time in a long time he was looking forward to eating again.

"All right. Let me know whenever you need another pair of hands or are doing some food research. I'll be there. Ciao."

[deatheater-cook.livejournal.com]

Tacos and tamales with lots of corn and pork. A place to start, if nothing else. A book on Mexican food should be helpful.

Was he trying to be helpful?

No, he was trying to learn something. Cooking was like potions without magic. The more complicated cooking helped keep him in practice and learning was always good. People stopped learning and their brains rotted, usually when they were about twelve years old.

When he said Japanese food he certainly didn't mean sushi. That was... not cooking. An art form in a way, but not cooking. Still, the Japanese were skilled with knives and so not entirely useless.

He'd figure these things out. Gain an ally. Helpful, if Sirius Black was about and possibly trying to get him sacked. He would not succeed but he might try...