Neutral Omens

Where is that man? the angel huffed to himself as he started down the basement steps. Aziraphale hadn't seen John... well, it seemed ages, but it was closer to a week or so. After the last time he'd gone for more than a week without seeing John, well... Perhaps his worry was not so farfetched.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he barely noticed the confident redhead striding past him, until she was right next to him, and the angel realized that War was grinning.

Never good.

"Er, hello?"

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War, already past him by the time the words registered, spun on her heel, right hand going automatically to the gun at her hip.

Something about the man looked similar, but equally, she hadn't seen him before, at least not looking like this. Given she didn't know who he was, she certainly wasn't about to tell him what she'd been doing.

"Yes? What do you want?"

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Aziraphale saw the gun, and did not flinch, eyes trained on her face. "Simply to wish you hello," the angel told her, biting his tongue on his usual 'my dear'.

Patronizing War - even though he meant it sincerely and might perhaps only come off as patronizing - would be an excellent way to be shot, and Aziraphale didn't fancy going back Up Above and explaining to his superiors what happened to his old body.

But she was acting defensive, and that made him nervous. "You haven't got anything going on about here, have you?"

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War could tell she put the man on edge. Whilst she'd normally think this was a good thing, she didn't want to make him too suspicious.

Relaxing her stance slightly, she said, "Nothing in particular."

This was, in a sense, true: the nukes weren't currently doing anything, and neither was she.

"What do you think I could have going on down here?"

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The angel sighed. "All right, let me figure this out intelligently. Never one for puzzles, of course, but if you insist..." He tapped his chin, and smiled at her. "Let's see. I happen to know you've a reputation with men, and that you've had drinks with a good friend of mine, John Constantine. It's entirely possible that those keys in your hand could have something to do with the fact that I suddenly can't find him, or the handcuffs I used for magic tricks long ago."

He fixed her with his blue, blue eyes. "But I cannot believe that such a random explanation is true, and must bow to common sense. I mean absolutely no offense, my dear," oops, "but if it is anything that could remotely be termed dangerous, I really ought to know." He gave her his best no-nonsense-but-very-kind grandfather look. "So tell me, why are you looking so guilty?"

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"My dear"...? Usually, War would have had a knife under the ribcage of someone calling her that, but in this place, it meant something different. "Aziraphale? I didn't recognise you - did you get caught up in one of my play areas and lost your old body?"

Her mind flicked back to what he'd said first, and she grinned. "Yup, you've got it. I just couldn't hold off any longer, so I stole your cuffs, and kidnapped John, and I've left him in a room back there handcuffed and naked..." she broke off laughing.

"Nothing so entertaining, actually. I have no idea where John is right now - or your handcuffs, come to that." She gave him a sly look. "For magic, did you say?"

"But I'll stop beating round the bush. Yes, I suppose you would term it to be at least remotely dangerous. If you really want to know, then I'll show you - though I'm sure you could miracle a second set of these keys to take a look for yourself if you really wanted. On the other hand, ignorance is bliss..." she trailed off, realising he was still giving her a rather firm look.

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"I used to be a magician," the angel told her haughtily, blood rushing to his cheeks.

"I did, actually, though it was hardly your fault. The ceiling fell in on me."

He laughed. "Well, if I may so, it's a shame you haven't got him back there. Belial would have been so terribly happy to help him out, among others," and here he sobered.

"If you would show me, that would be very helpful indeed. Put my mind to rest."

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"Maybe I might just have to find your handcuffs then - of course, I'd have to check they still worked before I gave them back to you. john might be able to give me a hand. It'd be the - friendly - thing to do..."

"But you were a magician? Well, I'm sure you've certainly got a few tricks up your ...sleeve..." War said with a wink, noting the angel's deep blush.

"I don't suppose the ceiling had anything to do with that? Ah well, all's well that ends well - or so people say, at any rate. On which note, if you absolutely insist on knowing, then I'll show you."

Though I'm not sure it'll put his mind at rest, she thought grimly.

War turned back into the room through the shattered doorframe, and went to the locker on the right hand end of the three she'd used. She put the key in the lock and turned it, then flung the door open and stepped back.

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He followed, of course - how could he not? He'd demanded, however politely, after all, to see...

There was a great silence following the opening of the door, as War presented her stash defiantly, as if she were somehow proud. The angel stared, hand flying to mouth, and exclaimed,

"What- what are they?" in fascination.

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"Nuclear warheads," she said, with a glimmer of pride, caught up in the moment. She had liked having them around, but they'd just been getting in the way too much in her suite.

"Each one powerful enough to destroy a city. Aren't they just beautiful?"

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"Er."

Aziraphale stared at them, metal-slick and horribly technical. He swallowed.

"And what, precisely, do you have them here for?" he asked, voice trembling in horror.

He remember the second World War, every exacerbated incident of the Cold War. "And where on earth did you get them?"

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"I picked them up here and there."

Truth be told, War couldn't remember where she'd got them all. She'd just... acquired them, over the years.

"I've got them here same reason I've got long bows and cross bows and everything else. I collect them. It's comforting having them around, y'know?"

She knew he was uncomfortable, but he'd insisted on this. She'd have left him in blissful ignorance if she'd had her way.

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"BUT THIS CLOSE TO MY BOOKS? And people, too, of course, but what if there was an accident?" Aziraphale gasped, apoplectic with indignation.

"You can't have these here! What would Adam say?! Oh dear me, I think I need to sit down..."

The angel sat down, hard, completely red in the face . "Oh, heavens," he whimpered, pulling a tartan handkerchief out of his vest and mopping his face with it. "Oh, ineffability. And I'll bet there's more in those other lockers..." The blond shook his head in disbelief.

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"They're only in a few of the lockers, and I can have these here," War said stubbornly. "There won't be an accident, they have safety controls so you have to set them off properly. They're not like the grenades upstairs, and besides, I've had them in my bedroom for months..."

War trailed off at the look on the angel's face. Possibly, it hadn't been a good idea to tell him that.

"Uhm... they won't go off, but if they did - hypothetically - it'd be so quick you wouldn't notice," she offered.

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The angel paled, then went a nasty sort of green.

"My dear, there are hu-humans about," Aziraphale stammered. "What if- what about- oh, no."

They had to inform someone. There were too many civilians about. But, and here was Aziraphale's concern, everyone had enough worries without also knowing about the nuclear warheads in the basement.

Perhaps they could do it themselves.

"War," he said shakily, "we must get rid of these. I..." he hesitated, "demand it. Please, for everyone's sake and peace of mind. I could do it, just..." The angel trailed off miserably. Then he shook his head.

"Give me them, I'll take them... somewhere safe, and secure." Aziraphale was staring at the bombs themselves as he spoke, resolute.

When this was over, he was going to need a cup of tea.

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War stared at him. "Get - get rid of them?"

She could tell he was serious. He wasn't going to let her negotiate, or slip her way out of this one.

The last think she wanted was anyone else involved, certainly. Especially because someone else, pre-briefed and not in shock - as Aziraphale certainly seemed to be - would then think to check her room. If they did that, they might decide to fling her out of the Manor. She grimaced. Whilst no where was really home, by definition, this was as much home as she had at the moment - and she didn't want to be cut away from the good company that could be found here.

She really had no choice.

"If you demand it, Aziraphale - and if you can do it - then take them. Any you won't tell anyone, if you're worried about scaring them?"

She didn't want to see them go - she'd spent so long collecting them! - but there you were. They were only things, after all.

She straightened, and said, "I'll open the other lockers for you, then. Will you need anything to carry them all in, to keep them together?"

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Sensing he'd be needed, Adam wandered down to the basement to find Aziraphale and War and a number of nuclear warheads. He sighed.

"Problem?" he asked.

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Aziraphale was so shocked (although he honestly shouldn't have been) that he dropped the warhead he was holding.

"Oh, no."

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The warhead spun in the air a foot from the floor where Adam pinned it with his gaze. "Oh, no, there's no problem? Oh, no, you're here? Or oh, no, I've dropped this warhead that I prob'ly shouldn't have been holding?" asked Adam politely.

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"The former?" A combination thereof, Aziraphale scolded himself silently, and then coughed, straightened himself up, and looked at Adam. He hadn't done anything wrong.

Or so Aziraphale hoped.

"We were, actually, planning to discard of these, to a location where they'd have far less chances of discovery. I didn't think that having these where anyone could access them -" and really, with Hastur, and Ligur, and Beelzebub, and Mictain, and War, and any number of unknown entities that may find it amusing to detonate one of these- "was the best idea."

He picked up the warhead. "So ta."

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Aziraphale would find it quite impossible to walk out the door with the warhead. Adam made sure of that.

"They're safer here than anyplace," he said resolutely, ignoring the angel's snide tone. He really had been around Crowley too much. "It makes War happy to have them around, and I won't let them get used. I can't say the same for any humans who find them wherever you were thinkin' of hidin' them. You don't really think I stopped a world-wide nuclear war last time just to let another one start by accident right under my nose, do you?"

Really, being the adult was tiring sometimes.

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The angel's arms sagged. "Are you certain, my dear?" he asked doubtfully, although he could already see Adam's point-of-view. "We could leave them, I suppose..."

He hesitated. Aziraphale really didn't want them this close to his books. Or anyone else for that matter.

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"It'll be fine, Aziraphale. I promise. Nothin's gonna happen. Just put 'em back and War will lock them up well, right?" He looked significantly at her. "They're not connected to anythin', so they can't be triggered. Now they're just a lot of shaped metal."

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"All right," Aziraphale agreed, for his part, and looked expectantly at War.

Moving her warheads was one thing, but actively disengaging them...

He took a step back in case.

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War had inadvertently and imperceptibly flinched when Adam had walked in, but when he suggested leaving the nukes where they were, she could almost have hugged him. He was right, she did like having them around, and she wasn't going to do anything with them, just keep them there.

"I moved them here so they'd be locked up secure rather than hanging around loose in my room, so if here's ok then I'll put them back in, and keep the keys on me. Like Adam says, they couldn't be activated without being connected up, so they're really no danger."

She objected to them being called "just a lot of shaped metal", but she wasn't going to quibble now. Gesturing at the one that had fallen to the floor, she said, "Shall I get them put away, then?"

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"I think that's a good idea," said Adam firmly. "And I wouldn't go around tellin' people that they're here, all right?"

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"Do you really think I would?" said War in what she hoped was a tone less withering than it sounded in her head, and possibly less affronted too.

She picked the nuke up from the floor and locked it away again, then clip the ring of keys onto her belt.

"Just so long as neither of you go telling anyone, either," she said, looking at Aziraphale.

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"I won't. It- it would worry them too much, I fear." It worried him, even, and Aziraphale was suddenly annoyed at himself for being so frightened. "I'll keep it to myself, you have nothing to fear from me." Although I still disagree that they ought to be here.

He wouldn't tell Crowley about this. Crowley was too close to John, and while Aziraphale could swallow this decision, Crowley may not be able to. If anything happened to Adam - despite Adam's reassurances - then Aziraphale would know, and could prevent disaster. There was comfort in that thought. He didn't require Crowley to worry about it as well.

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War was too relieved to pay much attention to the angel's discomfort.

"Good. I don't care why you don't tell, as long as you don't."

Taking a couple of steps towards the door, she paused, and said, "If we're done here...?"

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