(no subject)

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Date: May 15, 2000
Setting: Manor Library
Status: Private (Uriel and Loki -- Complete)
Summary: Uriel runs into Loki in the library.


Thankfully she hadn't run into anyone on her way to the library -- not that it was a long way, what with her room being quite close. She had managed to avoid any awkward questions until then and hopefully would continue to avoid them until her pregnancy became impossible to hide anymore.

She held the stack of books under one arm while opening the door to the library. They had been quite helpful; she now knew a lot more about what exactly was happening in her body, and what would happen over the next eight months. Sure, she still had a lot to read and learn, but she now knew the basics.

Although her way to the library had indeed been uninterrupted, she hadn't expected anybody to be in the library itself. However, somebody was indeed there. A bit surprised, she watched the bald head bent over a book.

"Loki?" she asked. "I didn't take you as the type to read."

Comments

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

"Why? Thought all Norse gods were illiterate idiots?" Loki glared at her. The last thing he needed was the damn not-god to catch him with the medicine lexicon. Hopefully she wouldn't look too closely. "The only one of us who really couldn't read was Thor for your information. And he's dead."

Not that Thor had actually been illiterate, but he'd had trouble with any word that had more than two syllables.

"You know, you shouldn't be carrying that many books." he noted with badly hidden concern. "Heavy lifting is bad for the baby. Not to mention what might happen to it, if you fall."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

"I didn't think you couldn't read. I just thought you weren't the type whou would actually pass time by reading. Given your general character, such a peaceful pastime somehow doesn't seem to be likely to interest you."

At his next comment she gave a confused glance at the stack of books under her arm. "Many books?" she echoed, genuinely confused. While she was hardly as fond of books as Aziraphale was -- she doubted anybody could -- when she did read, she read a lot. In her opinion, literature was to be used in large amounts.

"I didn't think it was too heavy," she said as she started placing the books back into the shelves where she had taken them from -- at the same time returning their covers back to the original ones. "And angels in general have a very good balance. I might have thought twice if I'd had to climb stairs on the way, but I hardly think these books could make me fall during such a short walk down the corridor."

She glanced sideways at Loki. "Why do you care what happens to my baby, anyway? I'd rather expect you to be glad whenever I unknowingly put it at risk. If I lost my baby, it would mean one reason less for Odin to be protective about me." At the mere thought of losing her baby, she shivered. No, that could not happen.

Maybe she'd take less books this time.

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

"There's all sorts of things you can learn from books. They don't have to be peaceful ones." Loki pointed out. "I like to be prepared for all sorts of situations. You never know when some obscure bit of knowledge might come in handy."

"Good balance, eh? So why are you guys always so concerned about falling. Seems like that's all you talk about sometimes. And balance might not help you, if you overlook a fold in the carpet, or a child's toy on the ground." He smirked. "And who says I care about your little not-god bastard? I was just pointing out what might happen with a mother as careless as you."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel froze for a moment at the 'not-god bastard' comment. It shocked her enough that she didn't notice that Loki wasn't being absolutely truthful when he claimed not to care about what happened to the baby. However, she said nothing about the insult. Instead, there was another thing Loki had said that definitely required an answer.

"You have apparently misunderstood a few things," she said coolly. "To angels, there is a difference between falling and Falling, with a capital 'F'." After a moment of silence, she continued, "Didn't you ever wonder what is the difference between angels and demons? We can't just pick sides, you know. Demons are Fallen angels. Falling is the worst -- and, usually, only -- punishment an angel can get."

With a thought, she made her aura visible for a moment, bathing the library in glowing light. "We angels are all connected to the Presence of God. I am the Angel of Presence, and thus I feel Him stronger than anyone else does. When an angel Falls, their connection to the Presence is severed -- by my sword, in case you're interested -- and they become demons.

"You probably can't understand it, as you don't feel the Presence, but the loss is absolutely awful. Some simply can't bear it; they become insane. The ones who remain somewhat sane lose about everything that made them angels. Their ability to love and feel compassion, for example -- and, unfortunate as it is, their ability to feel regret. Although some rare individuals manage to hold onto some of these things in some form, the Fall still changes them. The demon is never the same as the angel -- and the change is always to the worse."

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

Loki stared at her eyes widening more and more as she spoke.

"So when you banish someone from your clan, they become a different person and part of another pantheon? That is the craziest thing I've ever heard and I've seen - and read - a lot. But then I shouldn't be surprised. Your religion is absolutely mad as every god with half a brain would tell you."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

"They are still a part of the Judeo-Christian pantheon," Uriel said, gathering every little bit of angelic patience she possessed. "They are simply on the other side. And yes, they become a different person. It isn't a part of the punishment but rather a consequence of it, their reaction to the loss of the Presence."

She smiled bitterly. "If I recall right, you once said that angels are slaves. In a way, you are right. We can perhaps change owners once -- demons are all under Lucifer's rulement, like angels are under God's -- but we can never truly be free. You could, in theory, change pantheons if any other pantheon was willing to take you in. If I -- or any other angel -- tried to join another pantheon, the only consequence would be a Fall, because it'd be a deliberate attempt to severe oneself from God. Some demons may have been worshipped as pagan gods in the past, true, but even then they have still been a part of out pantheon in the end.

"You are right, I am not a god. I may have the powers of one, but not the freedom. However, this is my part in life, and thus I can hope for nothing else."

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

"Your pantheon has two sides? With only one god in it?" Loki summed up. "I think now I've got it. Your god isn't just egocentric and intolerant, he's also completely mad and when his little slaves misbehave he makes them go mad as well. I don't know why they call you the Judeo-Christian pantheon. It should be the Mad pantheon."

"So now you intend to bring your little bastard into that same slavery? Poor little thing. I could almost feel sorry for it, if it weren't yours."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel shrugged. "It is not exactly slavery when you're willing to serve," she said. "I don't deny that I haven't sometimes wondered how my life would be different if I had never even known the Presence, but I have been blessed -- or cursed, either way -- with the strongest feeling of Presence among all angels, and I do not want to lose it. I know how it feels to be without Presence -- each and every time I Fell an angel I feel their loss like it were my own -- and I couldn't bear to be apart from it forever.

"As for my baby, well, if it is connected to the Presence, then so be it. Then it can enjoy the feeling of His warmth, and I'll be glad for it. However, it is only half angelic, so there is a considerable possibility that it may not be connected to the Presence at all. In that case, it is not an angel. I think I should be able to sense it some time during the pregnancy." With a tiny smirk, knowing how much her next words would probably irritate Loki, she added, "And if the child isn't an angel, it'll probably be a part of the Norse pantheon."

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

"So what happens, if you're not willing to serve? No wait, don't tell me." Loki smirked. "Let me guess: You - what did you call it? - Fall. What brilliant freedom of choice!"

"You do realise that it takes just a little more qualification to be a Norse god than just not to be an angel. Can you present a Norse father for the brat? Oh wait, I forgot: You can't present a father at all. Well, tough luck, I guess."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

"Freedom of choice is for humans," Uriel replied. "I never said angels had it, or were supposed to have it. We were created to serve."

Her eyes flashed at the new taunt about her child's lack of father. "It does not have a Norse father, no," she said. "However, it will be Odin's niece or nephew, unless you have forgotten that. You became a part of the pantheon through adoption, so why couldn't my child do the same? Of course I'm not going to simply call it Asgardian; if it isn't an angel, I will ask Odin whether he will accept it into your pantheon. However, I have little doubt he will agree -- especially if I remind him that if the child isn't an angel or Asgardian through me, its type of being will have to be defined by its father."

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

"Freedom of choice is for people. You want to say you're not a person? That you don't have a personality or feelings? Even animals do, you know."

Loki's eyes darkened. Was it with anger or pain? He couldn't have named the feeling himself at that moment.

"I was adopted by the Norse pantheon, yes, but do you know what that pantheon did with my children? Maybe you should read up on that while you're here. Here's a hint, though: Out of the lot of them Sleipnir has it best. He became Odin's horse. Do you know what happened to the other five? What Odin did with them?"

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

"I didn't say I'm not a person," Uriel snapped. "However, I am not a human."

She gave Loki a serious gaze. "No, I don't know what happened to them," she said. "There hardly are any books on Norse mythology here, however well equipped the library is in terms of medical and satanic literature. However, I have a feeling you would be more than glad to tell me."

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

"You want me to tell you?" Loki grinned. "Well, I guess I will then. The next best fate would be little Hel's, I suppose. She was just a toddler when I last saw her. Then Odin took her away and threw her into the underworld where she now rules over those dead who do not qualify for Valhalla. It's a dark and nasty place. Especially when you're a tiny little girl." The grin faltered and Loki moved on quickly.

"Then there's Jörmungand whom Odin threw into the sea. He's stuck there unless he wants to destroy the world unfortunately. My lively little Fenrir he had chained up so that he can hardly move. And then ..." he swallowed hard. This was the worst part. "Then there were Narfi and Vali. They changed Vali into a wolf and made him kill Narfi and then they used Narfi's intestines to tie me ..."

He paused and took several deep breaths.

"Are you sue you want us to raise your child?"

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel simply couldn't hold back the tears that burst out as she listened to Loki's tale. "How can you still call Odin your brother?" she blurted out. Her motherly instincts may have had little time to develope, but even in such a short time she had become very attached to her yet-to-be-born child. To think that somebody could lose five already born children, and in such horrible ways, too...

She shivered, taking a step away from Loki and placing one hand protectively over her still perfectly flat stomach without even fully realizing that she was doing such things. Tears streamed down her face as she thought about the horrible fates of Loki's children. How could Odin have done something like that? She'd thought he cared about Loki!

...He wouldn't do anything like that to her child... would he?

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

Loki shivered and clutched his book tightly to his chest as he got up unaware that the title Pharmacology Condensed was now clearly visible.

"Because." he whispered hoarsely fighting back tears of his own. "Odin is the only family I have left. Because nobody else in the world cares for me and because he still has Sleipnir. Now please excuse me. I do not like to talk about this."

He fled from the room still clutching the book.

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel's teary eyes indeed saw the title of the book. While her mind did not truly register it, her somewhat photographic memory picked up the sight of Loki clutching the book with the title well visible and stored it away for future reference. However, at the moment she paid no mind to such things as she listened to Loki's whispered words, then saw the god flee from the library.

"Well, he is the only one I have left, too," she whispered to the empty room. "Aside from Him, he is the only one who cares for me." More tears sprung forth as she thought about how everybody she'd thought to care about her had abandoned and hurt her in the end. Michael. Pestilence.

Would Odin abandon her, too? Would he hurt her -- directly or through her child? If Odin no more cared about her, she would be just as alone as Loki would have been without him. She'd never been too close with other angels; aside from her friendship with Michael, she hadn't truly known closeness. In the Manor, however, she had come to know it -- and the pain the loss of it caused.

Any thoughts of finding more books on pregnancy had fled her mind by now. Tears streaming down her pale face, she hurried into her room. There she dug through her few possessions until she found the bottle of medicine Raphael had given her (http://community.livejournal.com/neutral_omens/76962.html?thread=1189026#t1189026). While there were definitely no signs of a violent manic episode being about to arrive, even in her currently rather irrational state of mind she knew that she was about to get majorly depressed. She had no idea whether the medicine could prevent the episode entirely, but hopefully it'd at least keep her from harming herself.

After swallowing the medicine she fell onto her bed, crying helplessly. Loki's tale had not only upset her directly; it had also summoned some quite horrifying images of possible future events from her lively imagination.

Odin was indeed pretty much all she had. She trusted him to keep both her and her child safe.

What would she do if it was Odin who hurt either of them?

[leucemic-god.livejournal.com]

Loki ran all the way back to the room he shared with Odin. Luckily his brother was working at the moment, so he had the room to himself.

He spent the next twenty minutes sobbing into Odin's pillow until he'd finally cried himself out.

Only once he had calmed down did he notice the book he'd dropped onto the bed beside him. It was an excellent source of information on the various medicines his doctor kept mentioning, but he shouldn't read it here, where Odin could see it. He didn't want to take it back right away either, so, after a frantic look around the room, he stuffed it into his couch. Unless Odin got the crazy idea to make his bed for him it should be quite safe there.