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[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Date: April 7, 2000, morning
Setting: Raphael's Room
Status: Private - Raphael and Gabriel
Summary: Raphael's got some things on his mind.


Early morning light filtered delicately through the trees of the manor ground, dancing in fleeting patterns of dark and light across his crimson surroundings; bright and ever-changing, like the stained glass in the manor's run down little chapel. But somehow, the warmth, the luxury, the dancing shadows on the walls were not enough to rid him of the sense of anxiousness that seemed to hang in the air.

Belial, lying still at his side, gave him a fuzzy, questioning glance when he stirred; he pressed a light kiss to the other's cheek, murmuring faint reassurances, and slipped from the covers.

If there was any doubt as to where the growing fray of emotions that reached him had originated, it was erased when he arrived in the hospital wing to find Constantine bed-ridden yet again. Gabriel, assured by the angelic aura that still clung to the mortal, decided with little more than a glance into the room that the man had once again escaped whatever dangers had befallen him, and silently moved on to leave him and the other being that sat at his side - Crowley? he thought - in peace.

Further down the hall, he found that same angelic presence he'd sensed about Constantine, looking perhaps a bit haggard as he fussed about the hospital room. Knocking quietly on the half-open door, Gabriel peered in. "Raphael?"

Comments

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael lurched awake at the sound of knocking and heard his name spoken. Still half-asleep, he rolled over and realized that it was morning and he'd slept through since finishing the operation.

"Hnh?" He grunted and rubbed his eyes. "Oh, hello Gabriel." He yawned into his hand. "What are you doing here? And what time is it?"

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

"Half past six, I think. Raphael," Gabriel said, sounding a bit anxious to his own ears as he moved forward to steady the pallid angel when Raphael tried to sit upright, "have you been here all night? What's happened?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Oh. Six. It's early." He yawned again. "I fell asleep after the operation. Sss. Operations. John came in all torn up. Tainted wounds too, it was some kind of demon but I don't know what happened. Took care of him then went to sleep."

He smiled slightly. "Been a bit out of it lately so I don't know anything else. He must have left the mansion but I don't know when or why... Have you seen him? Is he doing all right? I told them to get me if something went wrong but since they didn't, I assume he's OK."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

"Constantine left a few weeks ago. He and Crowley had some sort of row." Gabriel leaned against the counter nearby as he gave his rather clipped explanation; his eyes, dark with concern, swept Raphael's exhausted expression. "I just passed by his room on the way; he seemed fine. Stable.

And," as he tilted his head critically, "are you all right?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Oh. I see." He paused. "At least he's OK now. Kinda."

He looked towards Gabriel, pale and frowning.

"Aziraphale told you, didn't he?" He muttered.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

"Aziraphale didn't tell me much of anything," Gabriel said truthfully, "except that you'd discussed something of a private matter." The fact that he'd had a good idea what that matter involved had little to do with any indiscretion on the principality's part, but was owed to the fact that it came so closely coupled with Michael's sudden, conspicuous absence from the manor.

"Look, Raphael, you don't have to tell me anything," he added softly, laying a gentle hand on the other's shoulder. "But I hope you know that you can."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Discussed?" He laughed. "More like he came... prying." Then his face softened. "But I guess I can see why. My behavior wasn't exactly normal. And I guess it still isn't."

He leaned into Gabriel.

"Mictain attack me. Tried to force himself on me. And now I don't know what to do because I know it was violent and it hurt and it frightened me, otherwise I wouldn't have called for Adam. But I can't forget who he was, even if I'm not sure what he is anymore.

"I don't know what to do now. I want to be with Michael; I've become willing to settle for Mictain. I don't want to be a martyr like Crowley says; I don't think that he'll attack me again, not if I don't provoke him. When considering what I did to him, because I was selfish, because he was a demon - is what he did so much worse? And if it is, then what do I do?

"I don't know Gabriel. Aziraphale tells me he's not the same as Michael. I feel like I can believe that when I think how Michael would never have done what Mictain did. Then do I betray Michael by going to Mictain? I'm lonely. And he assures me that despite his demonic instincts that there's something left. Does the angel go away entirely? If not - what is demon and what is angel?"

He laughed.

"Look at me. The physician cannot heal himself. I'm willing to rationalize almost anything, even rape, just to be with him, to hope that Michael might still be somewhere. And this is the Raphael who, not so very long ago, disdained demons outright. Who abused Mictain because he was a demon, with no other provokation. But I had just come to care for Michael... it was hard to change, to think that I could accept him when he became what I abhorred.

"If he is not Michael, then I betray Michael's memory. If he is Michael - how can I ever be with him again, except to blame myself? Was it my fault? Was it the fault of his nature?

"I don't even know and I'm confused and tired. I wish I could sleep forever and make it all go away, Gabriel," he said, exhaling and slumping against him.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel wrapped an arm around the dejected angel, tracing soothing patterns across his back. The situation may not have been exactly the same, but Raphael's questions were unsettlingly familiar. He chewed a bit nervously on his bottom lip as the other spoke; and even when Raphael seemed to lose his momentum, reaching a rather inconclusive conclusion, Gabriel stared into the silence, trying to find the words to speak.

"I do not think I can tell you how to act, Raphael," he said finally, his words faint, shimmering like an elusive reflection, so easily shattered by ripples across the surface. "Nor how to feel. It's not an easy decision, and I'm afraid there's no simple answer. But what I can say, is..."

But he couldn't. Couldn't form the words, couldn't make himself tell the secret that was his burden both of guilt and pleasure.

He took a steadying breath, and started again.

"Do you remember Belial? Not Lucifer's Crown, I mean, but the angel, one of our brethren. We worked together closely during the time of Creation; I spun warmth, spun fire for the light I found in his eyes. The Fall hurt all of us, of course, as has... as has any loss since. But I've often thought his Fall from grace cut me too closely.

"He is something changed, now. I don't think one can sustain that particular loss and remain whole; Hell may be the name of Lucifer's wretched kingdom, but where it truly lies is in the hearts of those who suffer there, and it does change them, twists some of them into something unrecognizable. But I have seen enough of Belial to know that, every so often, that same light still shines in his eyes. He is changed, yes, but not destroyed."

Something shuddered in the silence, and Gabriel felt as though the centuries had been shed and he now looked upon some time before Creation, when servant had been his entire being and there were no choices like those they now faced. He tightened his arm around Raphael's shoulders and continued, a doleful note to his voice as he continued.

"I cannot say what Michael has been through, nor what is left of the angel we knew. But I don't think," he said quietly, "that you should yet lose all hope in him. And I don't think that it is impossible for the two of you to find some solace in all that has happened."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael pulled himself closer and cried.

"If it were before, if 'it' had not happened, I might still have hope. But it's Michael I miss and now... now I'm afraid of him, Gabriel. I'm afraid I'll screw up, afraid that he'll know that I want the angel, not the shadow of the angel, and will hate and hurt me for it. That I can never fix things.

"The demon is all I can have now - but what if I mess up again? He is a demon and I can't help feeling that this is wrong, something dangerous and vile. More than that, it's hard, so hard, to let go of the idea that he has become a terrible something else, otherwise he would have never..."

He trailed off and caught his breath, still crying.

"Belial I do not remember well. But what if Michael was not like him? Do you fear to see Belial in the mansion like I tremble in fright and anticipation to think of Mictain? Perhaps they are not the same; perhaps he is more changed.

"And it hurts because he did so little to deserve it... I don't understand!"

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Raphael, he was beginning to think, had had to spill too many tears where Michael was concerned. Gabriel understood - perhaps more than most angels might - that there was no one-word answer, no simple rule scribed in the Heavenly books for such circumstances. He also knew how wonderful it might be for the other archangel to take such a risk and have it blossom into something true.

But he did not care to think what might happen if Raphael was not so lucky as he had been.

The glittering remnants of Michael's Fall surrounded all of them, delicate enough that the subject seemed to be avoided where possible, but still with dagger-sharp edges exposed. Gabriel could not know - was not even sure the newly Fallen now knew - how Mictain would react to what Raphael spoke. But Raphael's voice quavered with enough fear that he thought perhaps instinct was safer than logic; perhaps Mictain was not like Belial, and, now Fallen, was truly a threat. The thought made him long to tell the other angel to put it all from his mind, to leave the situation behind him and not take such risks for someone he so feared.

But in that moment, he said nothing; chin nestled against Raphael's red hair, he held the Healer and let him weep.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"I don't know what to do!" Raphael sobbed. He cried until exhaustion crept into each of his limbs and he sat there, feeling hollow. For him, it felt like there were no right choices left.

"I gave a letter to Crowley," he confessed. "Asked him to deliver it in return for an unspecified favor. Don't know if it's there yet but... I asked his forgiveness, Gabriel, said that I wanted to see him again and I wouldn't say no.

"Maybe I should be ashamed. Maybe the risk is too large, maybe I'm as stupid and naive as the day I came here.

"But if he asks, I'll come to him. I miss what he was too much to do otherwise."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

The warmth of tears had seeped through the pale fabric of his shirt in wet splotches. Where it touched his skin, it felt odd, alien; subtle reminders, perhaps, that none of them had truly been meant for this plane.

"Raphael," he said gently, and though one arm still cradled the other carefully, his gaze wandered, seeking nothing, "No one can make your decisions for you, but I would ask you to remember one thing: you are an angel of the Lord." He paused, looking once more to the other angel's troubled face. "I understand that perhaps you have felt Michael's loss more than the rest of us, but you cannot let this become all of your existence. You are an archangel; Raphael, the Healer. Michael may be important to you, but he is not what defines you. He never was."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Remember? Remember to what end? Since coming here, I've ceased serving humanity. There's nothing beyond these walls and he was the only one... I'm sorry. But it's as though I found a lovely blossom that withered at my touch.

"I am responsible for so much, and that will never change. And since being here - what other existance did I have in the mansion, outside of him? I was only underfoot. He gave me something. Maybe not meaning, but something. Since it's disappeared, all I've thought about is finding it again. And until I do, nothing else matters."

Raphael closed his eyes tightly as if to block out the agonizing memories which had accumulated so quickly.

"Angel I might be; but a terrible one. And as painful as this loss is, as this separation is..." His voice lowered to a whisper. "I would almost give it up, my divinity, just to be with him again. Selfish, I know. But I can't help it and I can't stop the feelings.

"If he cannot be as 'good' as I, why should I not concede to being as Fallen as he?"

He sniffed and trembled as though he were cold. "I am afriad to fall, but I'm tired of the manor and recrimination and spending every day in a drug induced half-asleep haze. I'm not holy and hardly even try anymore.

"My own happiness has come to matter more than my duty. And surely that, in itself, ought to be enough to damn."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Understanding had turned quite suddenly to petulance as Raphael's sentiments quickly became what he feared, and he pulled away, turning to face the other archangel. "How dare you," he said, and though his expression showed little, his voice took on a dark tone as he continued. "How can you say such things after all that's happened? Michael was trying to protect you when he Fell. Would you toss that so carelessly aside? You hardly even seem surprised to turn against that which has been your existence since before Creation. You were not meant to put your own wants before the purpose for which the Lord has created you. Can you not see it in those who have Fallen? The most vile of them are those who care for nothing beyond their own interests; it goes against the very fabric of our beings. You're right, it is damnable. But, despite your words, you are an angel, and you should not be ready to dismiss it so lightly."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"I'm not dismissing it lightly," he frowned. "I know he was trying to protect me - but what good is it if I get relegated to a desolate fringe?

"He didn't think things through when he did that, Gabriel. He only thought to protect me, not to separate us. I don't want to turn against what I am...

"I'm just saying that I'm not sure what I would decide, if it came down to it. I don't know, I can't say. All I know is that I miss him terribly. And I'm tired of being dutiful when all it seems to involve is getting into verbal or physical spats with other beings."

He played with the fabric of his robe, picking at it.

"I don't want to fall. But I don't know what we'll do in the longterm."

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Gabriel took a single, calming breath, arms folded across his chest as he fought against the despair which seemed to seep into his thoughts, a dark disease in the face of all that had come to pass. Things seemed to change so quickly now, the world turning so swiftly beneath his feet after the relative calm of six thousand years. It had once seemed straightforward, unquestionable.

But then he shuddered inwardly with a ghostly memory, the impression of something he had not witnessed, but which haunted him nonetheless: Tali's scream.

There had always been questions, he thought, letting his eyes fall shut against the world; he'd just never had the courage to ask them.

"Raphael," he asked softly, earnestly, his eyes seeking the Healers, "was there ever a time when any of this was easy?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"It used to be," he replied quietly. "Before coming here. Before efforts. Before acting ridiculously human. It used to be very easy indeed, or at least always clear what needed to be done if not always enjoyable.

"Nothing was difficult like living here. At least... At least not for me," he amended.

He gazed into Gabriel's eyes, wondering what was behind them, aside from a being stronger and better than he. He seemed to ask some of the same questions - was he as utterly confused? Perhaps not if he could still utter words and assurances, admonishments and reminders of what they were.

Raphael sighed, weary.

"Everything is wrong, no matter what I do at this point. I have no right course of action. No matter what course I take someone will be furious at me for it. But I cannot allow that to matter.

"As kind as you are, Gabriel, you do not make up for what this place is and what it does, for what I feel here. There are two I know who truly care for me.

"Soon I will go to one or the other and this place, this obscene gathering of occult detritus, can do as it pleases and go where it will; but it will do so without me."

Sitting there, tired and worn, he wondered that he did know what he had to do, or at least what he could do, but perhaps feared the finality of picking one or the other.

But that decision would have to be made, sooner than later.

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

Perhaps he would have done better to show compassion, Gabriel thought, knowing to an extent the conflict of emotion that Raphael must have been feeling; but all his empathy seemed to have earned him little more than a frustrated ache blossoming with white intensity behind his eyes. It hurt, almost physically hurt to hear another angel, and one who had been so steadfast for centuries, speak so easily of Falling.

Of Falling for the love of a demon. For Gabriel's same offense.

And yet there seemed nothing he could say to stop the mad rush of it, so he kept his eyes cool and impassive on Raphael's. "It is true that this place is confounding, that perhaps all of us have been faced with circumstances we may never have imagined," his words as sterile and cool as the plain walls of Raphael's hospital, "but if you should Fall, Raphael - if you should turn from Him now, knowing full well the consequences - little kindness will be spared you from either side."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

He scoffed.

"What kindness is spared regardless? You are the only one I talk to. Will you hunt me down? And I didn't promise to Fall.

"If I just went back home, started doing my job and ignoring this whole situation... I'm not supposed to but surely I could plead my case.

"I know He loves me no matter what - and I think it's about time I was reminded of that directly."

He felt the ache inside, the loneliness that came with being away from a place that was really home. An ache made worse knowing that not all were there, nor would they be.

Even so, he wanted to shake the dust of the manor off his feet, go and never look back. If he couldn't withstand, it would be better to withdraw.

After all - what were Adam or any of the others to him anyway?

[dontcallmegabby.livejournal.com]

A subtle, creeping ache inserted itself behind his eyes, and Gabriel felt as though he'd been trying to shove over brick walls without the convenience of ethereal power. He rubbed, tired, at the bridge of his nose.

"That's probably a good idea," he said finally. "For all of us, I'm beginning to think." He knew just how tiring the manor could be; more so, he thought, than most places on Earth, for all its concentration of opposing powers. While his relationship with Belial had found some tentative resolution, that did not mean he wasn't all too aware of the dangers; indeed, Michael's Fall along with Gabriel's recent conversation with the succubus Ellie served as a tangible reminder of what twists of fate may, with the wrong step, lie in wait.

He sighed to himself, breathing deep of the shadows. This visit seemed to have earned the pair of them naught but more worry, so, in the silence, he said quietly, "I am glad to find you still in one piece, at the least, Raphael. I do wish you well." And with that, he turned to leave.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Thank you. Good bye, then."

And he turned back over, closing his eyes trying to get back to sleep.