(no subject)

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Date: February 20th, 2000
Setting: Aziraphale's room
Status: Private - Aziraphale and Crowley
Summary: Michael Falls, and there are consequences.

They were lying in the angel's bed, languidly enjoying a golden afternoon. Aziraphale was sitting, back against pillows, humming contentedly with a book in one hand and the other stroking Crowley's hair. The demon, lying stretched out with his dark head conveniently in Aziraphale's lap, was dozing, making occasionally murmurs of assent with his eyes closed as Aziraphale pointed out this or that or read out an interesting passage.

It was, all in all, a great scene of unique and peaceful love.

He'd just begun reading out a new section of a discussion on Rambaldi when Aziraphale felt it. A tiny sliver of dysfunction, of chaos and pain. It grew in his mind and stomach, almost inevitably, and he began to feel quite ill, sweat beginning at his forehead.

"My dear," he said, nudging Crowley urgently, as the nausea welled up. "My dear, wake up. Something's wrong."

Comments

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley knew instantly what it was. An echo of the Fall. Curling up protectively, he tried to block out the sudden pain. It didn't matter whether it was real or remembered. It hurt either way.


Alone. Empty and alone. Though the physical wounds from his long and terrifying plummet* were considerable, they paled before the dark and angry abyss inside. There existed only a gaping chasm of loss where his hope, his happiness, his love, his heart had been.

Though the air was burning, he felt desperately cold and he wrapped his wings around his nearly broken body. White wings. A cruel symbol of what he could never be again. Snarling, he used most of the rest of his energy to make them black as death. A mark of the betrayed.

He wept thick and bitter tears. He ranted, screamed, and fought those around him. He turned his anger on himself, slicing flesh with sharp new claws and fangs, tearing out feathers a handful at a time. Nothing helped. Nothing was enough to fill the massive, howling emptiness.

Even as Dis and Pandemonium were constructed, even as other demons accepted and rejoiced in their new bodies and roles, even as time, which meant nothing in this place yet, passed, for one demon it was never enough. He learned only to deny his pain, to hide it, to deceive, but it never lessened.

Until one day when a green snake arrived in the center of a verdant, flowering garden to bask in the warm sunlight, and saw his heart standing near a gate, daydreaming...


"Raphael," he finally gasped. "Has to be. Raphael has Fallen."

Keening slightly, Crowley wrapped his arms around himself, curling into a tighter ball and mourned. For whom, he didn't know.


*He wouldn't say he sauntered until a few thousand years later.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

The angel sat up, hunching over as he prayed, fervently, not to be ill. Fear made him tremble, hands clenching in the blankets.

Crowley rolled away from him, curling into himself, and Aziraphale unscrunched his eyes to find him. He heard the gasped comment, and a slight keening.

Raphael. Fallen.

But it wasn't Raphael, the more intelligent part of his mind argued. It was...

Angelic connection failed him. The shockwaves receded, slightly, and Aziraphale unbent enough to reach for the huddled form of Crowley. Aziraphale's nausea vanished as worry took centre stage.

"My dear," he cried, wrapping himself around Crowley and holding him tightly, Crowley's pained keening in his ears. "Shhhh..." he murmured, picking him up and rocking him. "Shhhhh. You're all right. We're both all right..."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"Nuh... nuh..."

Crowley flailed a bit, making negating noises, until realization returned. He wasn't laying on that arid, ashy, broken ground anymore. That had been a hundred lifetimes ago. Now he was lying in a soft, white bed, being held by an angel. The Fall was over. He had come to terms. Mostly.

Regardless, he was embarrassed and shocked that he could still be so affected by it and he hid his face in his hands. After a deep breath, he spoke quietly.

"I tried, Aziraphale. I tried everything I could think of. I warned him. I threatened him. I was honest, I was understanding, I was harsh. Nothing I said or did ever seemed to sink in. And now I have to tell Him Below that it was my work so that He'll overlook the whole Belial incident just in case He even knows about it. Fuck."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale pulled Crowley's hands away from his face and wrapped them in his own, twining their fingers together, still wrapped around him. Their intimacy was comforting, assuaging his own fears.

"At least you'll be safe," he said, finally. His own dislike of Raphael didn't extend to this, would never, and the angel, suddenly aware of his own good fortune, felt horrible for speaking it out loud so. He took a breath, although he didn't need to, and said, "At least something good will come from this. You, and Belial, and Gabriel, and John were all wrapped up in that. If He overlooks it, you'll all be safe." Aziraphale kissed Crowley's dark hair. "He fell through his own choice, much as it hurts all of us who tried to stop him. Even you tried, when he hurt you, and when he is so useful to us Fallen."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

...when he is so useful to us Fallen.

Crowley's eyes widened at the words and he suddenly rolled over on top of Azirphale pressing a hand to his mouth.

"Ssshut the fuck up, angel," he hissed angrily. "I don't ever want to hear you say anything like that again." He couldn't even adequately explain to himself why this had upset him so, but to look at someone's misfortune as being of benefit to themselves - that was how a demon thought.

Body trembling involuntarily he stared into Aziraphale's eyes. "I don't give a flying fuck about Raphael. He brought it on himself despite multiple warnings, but I want you to promise me!" Crowley was not taking any chances while Uriel had his sword out.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale sighed, pressed into the mattress as he was by Crowley, which, understandably, was making it rather difficult to sigh.

"My dear, I was simply rephrasing what you said. I hadn't meant to sound so harsh. Don't worry, love." He smiled at Crowley comfortingly.

"I won't." I won't Fall, either.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley relaxed, his whole body going limp over the angel's as he pressed their foreheads together.

"Good," he whispered, breath ghosting across Aziraphale's cheek. "I hate Raphael's fucking guts but I didn't want him to Fall. Now I have to teach him how to be a demon, which means I have to talk to the little bastard again."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale squirmed a little. "Is that so? I don't envy you. Anyway, how does one go about teaching another to be a demon?"

And, seeing as the demon's mouth was very, very handy to his own, he kissed it. "Well, whatever it is, my dear, I do wish you luck. Try to be kind."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"I have no fucking clue," Crowley said tiredly. "You think this sort of thing happens every day?"

He returned Aziraphale's kiss and tried not to snort into his mouth at his words. "Try to be kind? All the things he's done to us and to John and you want me to try to be kind? You would say that, angel," he added affectionately, "but he's not going to get kind from any other demon. He might as well get used to it now. Trial by fire is all anyone ever got." Crowley considered smiling at his own pun, but it hit a little too close to home.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

"Indeed," Aziraphale said thoughtfully, studying Crowley's face. He stroked the demon's black hair with a slow hand.

"At least everyone's here, too. If it weren't for the Manor, and Adam of course, he would be a little bit worse off. As it is, here he can be taken care of until he adjusts. Which is more than anyone else ever had, I should think." He glanced at Crowley worriedly, and then closed his eyes and sighed.

"I wish you had had me then."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley rolled off of Aziraphale and lay on his side facing away from the angel. There was a little too much honesty going on for him to be entirely comfortable, especially since he tended to totally avoid this subject at all other times.

"I wish I did too, angel. Then again, I don't. If you'd been there, you'd have Fallen, too, and then neither of us would be good for anything."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale's voice was firm, even if disappointment settled on his face.

"I know. But, Crowley," and he turned Crowley's jaw so the demon could actually see him, "I will not Fall.

"So stop speaking as if it is ineffable. Please."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"I'm not speaking of it as ine... inevitable. I only said that if you had been there you would have been one of the Fallen and not you at all. Therefore you wouldn't have been able to comfort anyone."

Crowley looked into Aziraphale's concerned eyes. "I believe you. Just... you know... Him first..." He tried to not to look hurt at the necessity of this.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale sighed. "Crowley, my dear, do us both a favour and shh." He kissed him to soften any insult in his manner, and then simply kissed him for the sake of kissing Crowley. Which, as Aziraphale knew by now, was extremely nice.

A clatter in the hall disturbed them; banging and the sound of someone sobbing. Aziraphale was out of bed, opening the hall door and peering outside, Crowley behind.

Michael would be heartbroken.

But it wasn't Michael crying and tearing up a storm. It was... "Raphael," Aziraphale said quietly, watching his faint halo as the angel disappeared into his room and slammed the door.

He looked back at Crowley, feeling frozen as he tried to speak. "It wasn't Raphael who Fell, my dear, it was Michael."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Lips forming the name just as Aziraphale spoke it, Crowley sank to his knees, heavy with shock. Michael - the commander of the Host, the finest warrior that Heaven had, the expeller of Lucifer himself - had just Fallen because of a misguided love for a manipulative healer. His arms hung limply at his sides, and he sat, head bowed with the weight of the knowledge. With Michael fighting for Hell, given his abilities and six millennia's worth of knowledge of how Heaven's army functioned, would that be all that Hell needed to win the war once and for all? And how had Raphael escaped the sword with all the sins he'd committed lately?

Crowley reached blindly for Aziraphale and gathered what he could reach into his arms, which turned out to be the angel's knees, but he held onto them like a drowning man to the last life preserver.

"Angel," he whispered. It was all he could think of to say.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale was twisted, watching the bedroom door shake as Raphael raged inside, and then he saw Crowley sink down, and all attention to Raphael and Raphael's problems disappeared.

He leaned down and picked Crowley up, dragging him to his feet. "My dear," he whispered back, as Crowley clung to him tightly, and he wrapped his arms around him too.

There was silence, and Aziraphale rested his head on Crowley's shoulder, feeling sadness weigh upon them.

"I don't want to see Michael as a demon," the angel whispered again. "And I want you to be careful with him. He'll be strong and upset, and it won't be good."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"It wasn't good when he was an angel, either. I fail to see how this can be any worse," murmured Crowley as his shoulders started shaking. Even he wasn't sure if he was laughing or crying. "Though I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. Apart from Raphael." The memories of his wounds at Michael's hands momentarily overtook him and he shuddered.

"And now I have to write a letter to Down Below to take the credit for his downfall and show them what a bad little demon I've been." He sighed as he held Aziraphale. "Why's it all so fucking complicated?"

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale kissed him. "I don't know, love. I don't. But I think you ought to be writing that letter, then, before anyone else hears and tries to take credit."

He stood still, in their embrace, and then sighed. "Up Above won't be happy at all. I might end up with Assignments, or be Recalled." He frowned.

Aziraphale broke away to go to their room, and then paused to look back at Crowley. "Coming, my dear?" he said, smiling a little nervously.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley looked back at him, at the wistful little smile, and the endlessly blue and sympathetic eyes, and sagged slightly.

"Not just now. You're right. I really ought to go and write that letter."

He indicated the next door over with a nod.

"I'll be in there if you need me. And I'll... I'll come visit afterwards... if you don't mind."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

"Of course," Aziraphale said, and kissed him quietly. He couldn't seem to stop it, this kissing thing, and his poor self-control in such things was not being helped by Crowley, who looked exhausted already.

The angel nodded, then, and left Crowley standing there with only a last parting glimpse at Raphael's door across the hall before shutting the door.