(no subject)

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Date: February 20, 2000 - later
Setting: Raphael's room
Status: Raphael, Anybody
Summary: Raphael returns




Frightened, bewildered and upset, Raphael flung the manor door open so hard it dented the wall. He tore through the place blinded by tears and sobbing, thinking of nothing except getting to his room as quickly as possible.

His room.

Not the room he'd shared with Michael.

The air around him felt cold and he was in a frenzy - it was almost too much to process. He was dimly aware that Uriel might still be after him, but somehow it didn't matter.

It wasn't suppose to go this way he thought. Michael should have been out of danger once I told him!

He miracled any of his belongings that might have been left in Michael's room into his own then slammed the door shut. Frankie barked at him when he entered but he ignored the dog. Instead he flung himself on to the bed and miracled blankets and pillows all around him until he was buried in a pile of them.

Raphael clung to the objects for warmth and a semblance of security as he wept. All he wanted was for the world to go away and to never come out or be part of it again. He'd ruined everything and now he'd have to live with it forever.

Michael - for he refused to call him anything else, even mentally - frightened him now and those red eyes haunted his memories. He cried until he was hoarse and had a coughing fit.

At length he fell silent and hoped that he would never have to face anybody - not the demons, not his fellow angels, not John, not Michael, not anybody - again. He was exhausted and it was simply too much.

Comments

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Adam knew what had just happened. How could he not? His every nerve ending was vibrating with the change. Still, he couldn't worry about himself now. He had others to see to.

Down hearted, he made his way to Raphael's bedroom door and knocked softly.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

The angel heard a knock, but it didn't really matter who was there. Not to him.

"GO AWAY!" He screamed, his voice somewhat muffled by the pillows.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

He'd been expecting this. Adam opened the door, stepped in, and closed it behind him.

"No. I'm not goin' anywhere."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"THEN I'M NOT TALKING!" Raphael screamed back and stayed buried under the covers, hoping he could wait him out.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Sighing, Adam sat on the edge of Raphael's bed and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Then I'll talk and you'll listen. There are some things you should know. First off, Uriel's not comin' after you. You were forgiven after repentin' and apologizin'. Second, what happened to Michael isn't your fault. Everyone makes their own decisions in the end and that was his."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"I don't care what you say!" He sobbed. "It's my fault he made that decision and in the end he still Fell because of me! Not even you can change that.

And even if it wasn't - nobody is going to see it that way."

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Gathering up the sobbing angel into his arms, Adam ran his hands up and down the smaller creature's back.

"In the end, he fell because he loved you more than God. Nothin' you did in the way of lyin' or manipulatin' could have changed that. You can't stop someone from lovin'.

"And people will know the truth. It has a way of comin' out. Gabriel knows that you tried to make amends."

He kept rubbing soothing circles into the fabric of the angel's robe.

"It hurts, Raphael. I won't tell you it doesn't. The balance has been seriously thrown off, but it will recover. The only thing you can do now is grieve and try to be the best angel you can be. Your help will be needed soon enough."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"WHY?" He cried. "It doesn't make sense, none of it does! I wasn't good or loving or anything that deserved it. There was no reason for it, none whatsoever!

This is why I never made an effort in the first place. This is what love leads to! It's not enough and now... now what do I do?"

He looked at Adam, eyes rimmed with red.

"What do you know about hurt? You've never been to blame for something like this. I shouldn't have allowed him. I shouldn't have let it grow. It could have been fine but then..."

He threw a pillow against the wall.

"The best angel I can be? I'm a terrible angel. And there's no way around that. And now what, besides grieving? Face that... that... whatever he's become in the mansion every day?

I can't do this!"

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

"I don't know why," said Adam as he held the angel tightly. This was a lie, but a convenient one. Even if he could explain what he knew about love and fate, Raphael wouldn't listen.

He had to shake his head, though. "Sex and love aren't the same thing. Makin' an effort can lead to sex, but it can't make you love anybody. And love doesn't always end in somethin' bad. It might be the only thing that can save Michael now - his love for you. I know it'll be hard, but it's time to grow up, Raphael. Time to be the strong and powerful angel you always have been inside. You need to be brave. You can do this. If not for yourself, then for him."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Be brave for what exactly? The demon? Mictain? He isn't Michael - he's not!" He turned away from Adam and stared at the wall. "If loving me made him fall, then loving me more would only make things worse. And now that he's... what he is, who's to say he'll even still love me?

I can't be polite to that or civil to that - not when every time I look at him I see the shadow of my own mistake. And even if he felt the same way, in many ways that would be worse. I couldn't properly return the feelings for the angel and as a demon I could even less. The angel would stay away, hold back - I'm not so sure the demon would," he muttered.

He slumped against Adam's body.

"I will be alone, which I have always feared. And what do my brothers do? They have no commander. No leader. It could be chaos. It could be terrible. And what if... if your father decides he has need of him? He will have to answer. He isn't here, he isn't beyond his reach.

You say love doesn't always end in something bad. Perhaps not universally; but often enough. And this... this has been an utter disaster."

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

"He's still Michael," whispered Adam. "He has six thousand years of memories of bein' Michael. That'll never go away. As for bein' polite and seein' your mistake, maybe that's your punishment. But you've gotta overcome it or you'll never grow and never learn."

He supported Raphael as best he could and smoothed down his red hair.

"Don't worry about what'll happen in Heaven and Hell. A friend once told me this prayer, 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' This is your wisdom, Raphael. Know what you can't change and concentrate on those things that you can."

Resting his head atop Raphael's and rocking him gently, he said, "Love doesn't work unless both people really feel it and really want it. Sometimes it takes longer than others. Don't judge it and just see what happens."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Not he's not. I don't care whose memories he has, he isn't Michael. That thing with red eyes can't be him, won't act like him. And I will never treat him civilly.

I'm not supposed to worry about my home? That's where I belong and even if I cannot do anything except follow orders and stay here, I can be concerned.

I don't know what you think I can change, but whatever it is, it will be nothing concerning Mictain. I want nothing to do with him.

Ever."

He wiggled out of Adam's grasp and flopped back down on the bed petulantly.

"I don't see why you think you can give me advice anyway - it's not as though you have any experience with any of this. You're just spouting pleasant-sounding, worn out aphorisms."

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

"We don't know how he'll act. We'll hafta see. But don't judge him in advance, 'cause he could surprise you. You could surprise yourself."

Adam ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

"And I didn't say that you shouldn't care what happens in Heaven. Just realize that whatever it is, there's not much you can do about it, so there's no point in worryin'. You trust God, right? Then do your own work, let the other angels do theirs, and let Him take care of everythin' else."

He looked at the lump of angel curled up stubbornly on the bed and let his hurt show in his voice.

"I'm givin' advice, 'cause I thought you'd like to have a friend around right now. Someone who doesn't judge. If my experience isn't enough for you, maybe you'll listen to St. Paul. In the bible, he said, 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seekin', it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.'"

Adam stood up to leave, but he hadn't taken three steps before he was hit with a sudden sharp pain and he collapsed to the floor. Focusing on it, he found the hurt stemming from Uriel bleeding out a couple of floors below. Ready to ignore his own pain to adhere to his promise, he tried to stand, but couldn't summon the strength. He stretched his mind out instead and found Wednesday nearby. Adam called to him wordlessly, conveying only urgency and pain, and he knew it would be enough.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"He's a demon. And a high level one at that. How do you think he's going to act?

And I hardly think he was talking about sexual love. Of course I love, all angels love - we love everything. But this kind of love is different. And it causes trouble."

He heard a slump and turned over.

"Adam?" He sat up uncertainly and saw him on the floor. "Adam!"

He clambered out of the bed and pressed his hand against the boy's forehead, trying to figure out what was wrong.

"Adam, what's the matter?"

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Adam lay pitifully on the floor, writhing a bit, but not making a sound. It hurt. It really hurt. He was still unsure whether tying his well-being to that of the others in the house had been such a great idea, but it was the fastest way to know when something was going wrong if he wasn't paying attention.

His aura was trying to contract, to surround and protect him, to release Uriel at least and stop the pain, but he fought it with his meagre reserves of energy. He wanted to keep it wide, keep it around everyone. He had to know what was going on. Had to protect the people in his care. He'd known that something was going to happen and that worse things were to come, so he gritted his teeth and held on.

Suddenly there was a cool hand against his head and a worried voice in his year. He'd forgotten that Raphael was here. A faint smile momentarily flitted across his face. All he'd had to do then was get injured to bring the Healer out of himself. Not a great plan but it seemed to work. It was time to say something, though. He said the first thing that came to mind.

"... so much blood..."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael paled.

"Blood? Where? Who?" He felt a slight twist in his stomach and became vaguely nauseous, having his suspicions. "Adam, tell me.

What's happening?"

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Adam didn't know if he ought to say. He didn't think Raphael was feeling too generous towards Uriel right now. But as little as he was able to reason at the moment, he decided to be vague on purpose to try and catch the angel's sympathy or healing instincts. Barring that Raphael could probably figure it out on his own.

"...tried to kill himself...cut his wrists...blood everywhere...hurts..."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Gah!" He sprang up away from Adam and started pacing angrily. "It's Uriel, isn't it? I've suspected he's been doing this... this... AGH!" He punched the bed. "And now that's going to fall on me too because of what I said.

Well I was angry! I'm still angry! He doesn't have to take it like some sort of mortal, teenage drama queen!" He paced back over to Adam and glared. "What does he think that's going to accomplish, that it's going to make the situation better?"

He breathed heavily then relaxed.

"Look, I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm just a little... frustrated."

With a sigh, he knelt and tried to revive Adam further.

"Where is he?" He snapped. "I'm assuming - given that you're saying 'hurts' and not 'dead' - that someone else stopped the reckless idiot. But I suppose I ought to check myself."

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

"Not his fault either," croaked Adam. "Made that way."

He was tired. He was very tired, but he grabbed onto Raphael's robes to speak to him urgently.

"Don't go. Wednesday."

With that, Adam fell asleep on the floor.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael sighed. He doubted that he would be able to lift Adam easily so he adjusted physics here and there to make him lighter, though he still struggled with Adam's size. He placed him on his bed and frowned.

"Don't go. That's lovely. Once again I get replaced."

His resentment was fading but his fear was not, so he miracled himself an armchair and sat in a corner of the room, curled up and reading articles about the Vioxx litigation.

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

After a few minutes, Adam stirred fitfully. Some sense was telling him that he couldn't be asleep now. There were things that needed to be done. He struggled to sit up.

"I hafta go check on him, Raphael. He's sleepin' now so I won't be disturbin' him. You can go see him later if you want, but please be careful. I know you can help his body better than anyone, but don't forget about his feelin's in the meantime. They have to be healed, too, just like yours do. I'll be around if you need me..."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Very well." He kept his eyes focused on his reading and didn't turn to see Adam leaving.

After a pause, however, he called to him one last time.

"And Adam? If you see him before I do - awake that its - tell him...

Tell him I didn't mean it."

[average-adam.livejournal.com]

Adam smiled faintly as he walked a little unsteadily out the door.

"I will."