(no subject)

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Date: December 26, 1999
Setting: The Lobby
Status: Public (Complete)
Summary: Raphael brings home a slightly odd pet.




For having met with a man who experimented with the demonic, was constantly on morphine and tended to smell like death in general, Raphael felt that their meeting hadn't gone too badly. There had been tea and cookies and a tree even. Faust VIII was a strange doctor, but a doctor at heart who (though extremely unorthodox) did tend to work towards a somewhat mutual goal. And deep down, Raphael felt that he was, at his core, a rather decent man whom he'd missed more than he cared to admit.

Dr. Strange had been right to suggest patching things up.

He had not anticipated, however, Faust's insistence upon giving him a 'Christmas gift' beyond his hospitality - no pun intended. When Raphael intimated his concerns about the tensions surrounding him, Faust insisted upon giving him a 'companion' to help look after the ward, deliver messages, guard what needed watching and serve as a supernatural companion.

Raphael looked down at the necromanced bone dog in his arms and sighed. He really couldn't have refused...

Then the dog began barking.

"Be quiet Frankensteiny," Raphael said, shushing him and walking towards his quarters as quickly as possible. "I don't want anyone knowing you're here before they have to..."

Comments

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

After hearing John's warnings regarding tomorrow's operation, Crowley needed a drink. He daren't have one the next day regardless of his ability to choose his level of sobriety, so he thought he'd visit the bar now.

Heading downstairs, he was walking towards the bar when he heard a dog bark and he directed his steps towards the lobby instead. If Adam had brought that hellhound here...

But it wasn't Adam and Dog. It was Raphael. Carrying what looked like a moving dog skeleton. Crowley stopped walking abruptly.

"Raphael? Uh, nice dog...?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael blushed heavily. For the love of... and it would have to be that demon too.

"Um, well, yes, hello there... you. Dog, yes, that's what he is. A dog." He smiled too brightly. "Say hello to Crowley, Frankensteiny..."

He began to sweat and hoped that awkward questions weren't about to follow. Though he seriously doubted he'd be so lucky.

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

The moment Uriel walked into the lobby he almost decided to turn around. It was obvious that he was hallucinating for some reason and should have returned to his room. However, he then shook his head slightly and took another look at the room. When nothing had changed, he sighed and stepped forward. So it apparently wasn't just a hallucination. And besides, what could have caused him to see one? Really, nothing hinted towards the sight before him being not completely real -- besides the fact that Raphael was holding a skeleton dog.

"Good day to you, Raphael, Crowley," he said politely, nodding at each supernatural being in turn. Then he allowed his eyes to turn to the extremely skinny dog. Well, not exactly skinny. After all, there was no skin on him. "Is this perhaps a new pet of yours, Raphael? Might I inquire his name?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Now Uriel too? Raphael gritted his teeth. Things were just getting worse.

"He was a gift!" He snapped. "Named Frankie. Any more questions?" He demanded, getting defensive in the face of the two other beings.

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel raised an eyebrow. Raphael being hostile? Now this was certainly something unusual. He wondered just what had the other archangel so tightly wrung. Maybe it was just the fact that he was carrying a rather lively skeleton around. If there was anything else to it, Uriel was sure to find out sooner or later. And he had patience.

"My dear Raphael," he said mildly, "I certainly didn't mean to offend you in any way. I merely asked the name of your dog. If I said something that made you feel offended, I apologize; that was definitely not my intention."

He reached out a hand towards the skeletal thing. Even though unusual, the dog sure was intriguing, like he noticed after his initial surprise. Certainly not something like this wandered by every day; he might just as well use the opportunity to further satisfy his curiosity about the odd creature. "Pleased to make your acquitance, Frankie," he thus said, nodding at the dog. Might just as well call it a dog in absence of any other obvious name possiblities. "Might I be allowed to pet you, or would your owner take offense at that, too?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael frowned; for some reason, the idea of Uriel touching a necromancer's dog was disturbing to him. He didn't want any other angel petting those bones.

"He would take offense," said Raphael cooly. "And you may nto touch him either," he said to Crowley.

He was vaguely aware that after such a lengthy visit he smelled like a cemetery and so did the dog; he really wanted to shower and hide in his room but there seemed to be no easy way of getting the two to leave without attracting more attention.

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley raised an eyebrow.

"Believe me. I have no interest in petting your 'Frankie'. I just heard some barking and thought it might have been Adam's dog."

He smirked.

"It's a little cowardly, don't you think?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Good. I'm glad. And not, he's obviously not so there's no need for you to concern yourself with him."

When he heard Crowley's second comment, he frowned and glared.

"Cowardly?" He demanded. "Just what do you mean by that, demon?"

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"It's Crowley," he said automatically. "And I mean that you getting a pet is cowardly."

Crowley glanced at Uriel, acknowledging his presence, as he tried to figure out the best way of turning his thoughts into words. He waved his hands slightly as if he could physically shape the right words out of the air.

"Pets give unconditional love. It doesn't matter if you're stubborn, or ugly, or cruel, they love you regardless. They don't challenge you or require you to change in any way. Pets are safe," he sneered.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael glared more fiercely and red spots of anger appeared on his cheeks. He held Frankie so tightly the dog nearly whimpered.

"First of all," he said, his voice growing louder, "I said he was a gift. I did not take him out of any need to have some kind of source of love. I took him because a friend thought it best to give him to me."

He could feel himself growing angrier as he stared at the sneering being.

"And futhermore, just because I have never felt romantic passion does not mean I have never loved or ever been challenged by love.

You have no idea what you're talking about Crowley so I suggest you shut your mouth right now. Don't deign to speak on that which you know nothing about."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley raised a cool eyebrow.

"I do happen to know what I'm talking about, thank you very much. And exactly when were you challenged by love, pray tell?"

The demon was vaguely embarrassed to learn that the animal had been a gift. That information rather reduced his argument, which would have been solid otherwise. Regardless, he pressed on, not entirely sure why he was doing so but that his curiosity was peaked.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael's voice dropped to a whisper as he thought of people and places long ago.

"Do you think it's easy, watching humans you've come to care for get carried off? I've been at the side of a good and gentle doctor when he passed and told that I cannot take him to Heaven because his affections lead to adultery. I have seen the desire to heal mutate into hideous fascinations and mortifying experiments. I have seen the worst of the results left in the wake of three of those damned horsepersons, so bad that only the fourth can soothe.

And it's nothing that can be shared. Because beings like you and Michael and War and Pestilence and Pollution and everybody else - you only tear things up. The fight happens and the doctors and physicians must stay behind, not able to stop the suffering, not able to keep it from happening.

All we can do is whatever we can to sew things back up. I've seen honest doctors suffer with the frustration of not being able to do more. I've seen patients everywhere suffering from disease and injury and cannot always interfere. I've seen medicine devolve into a quest for profit and I cannot stop it.

My job is saving; but I cannot save everything. I love life and the living. And each loss hurts. I have made dear friends and seen them scarred or torn away and once again, I'm useless."

He stopped suddenly embarrased by his lengthy outburst.

"But why should you care? I'm sure destruction does nothing but please your kind."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

He lumped Michael in with the demons and the horsepeople? Interesting...

Crowley thought for a moment.

"That is a very selfish kind of love, don't you think? Thinking only of your loss and your pain and not how your love might affect the people that you mentioned, if indeed you even have individual love for them and not just that general angel love crap."

He took a step forward.

"People die, angel. That's the whole point. And they often die because of stupid things. But that's up to Him isn't it? He made the horsepeople and the destruction that you despise. It's two sides to the same coin. Destruction and Creation. Hurting and Healing. They go hand in hand. Like Aziraphale says incessantly, it's probably ineffable. They have no meaning separately."

He rubbed his temple and continued.

"But those people have free will. They make their own choices. You have to love them despite those choices, not what they would be if they made the 'right' ones. This is why I don't believe you when you say you've been challenged by love. So you've been hurt. Big fucking deal. You're not special. It happens to everyone. What are you going to do about it, that's what I'd like to know?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Selfish?" Raphael laughed, a short sound. "Hardly. I do not grieve over any loss of mine; I do so because I hate to see people in pain. They hurt, and as they do so do I. I do what I can, but even that is not enough and any pain I feel comes from the knowledge that they hurt. My burden, if you will, is empathy. As for general love - you speak of it so disdainfully, but why should there be those I do not care for, if all suffer? Why should I withold caritas from any human? Do you think there are those more 'deserving,' who should be loved more while others be ignored? How utterly cruel."

He stood his ground but wondered if he should set the dog down. Frankie felt heavy in his arms.

"Of course they die; nothing can avert death. And the consequences for not letting people go can be terrible. But why deny the pain one feels? Perhaps such things go hand in hand; but I still have a right to my emotions towards the other side.

And I know that people must make their own decisions; that is why I do not, cannot help. But that doesn't make it any easier. And I am fully aware that I am not unique. This is why I rarely speak of it; better to simply move forward. But why is that not a challenge? Because other people have felt it? That makes it less of one, to you somehow? And what do you think makes you so very unique? You aren't 'special' either."

He smiled sardonically.

"What do I plan to do? Move on, like I have for the past few millennia, abate what suffering I can and do my hardest to undermine the likes of most of the beings in this building. My solace is Heaven and the Presence and I don't need to do anything else to cope.

Save your lectures, demon, for someone who would be so foolish as to heed you."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Now, Uriel was definitely fascinated. To hear Raphael speak for so long was rare; to hear him do so in such anger was unique. Especially that argument about beings that destroyed rather than saved -- and Michael alongside the horsepeople? Well, then why didn't Raphael see that he and Michael would have fit each other perfectly, one breaking while th other fixed?

As much as he would have liked to hear his fellow archangel and the demon continue their little "conversation", however, there was one question he had to ask or his curiosity would not leave him in peace.

"What about me, Raphael?" he asked calmly. "Where do you place me in your little black and white universe? Am I one of the destroyers or of those who sew things back together?"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael turned his attention to the other archangel.

"You?" He stated flatly. "You are nothing to me, if you will excuse the phrasing. I can neither consider you truly destructive nor can I view you as an understanding compatriot.

And my world is not precisely black and white; humanity, after all, never is and I would be a fool to think it so. But there are those who destroy and those who bind more than others. And my kinship is only naturally with physicians."

He looked away.

"And I am not indebited to feel any particular way about anybody, beyond basic angelic affection, if I don't want to," he said, thinking back to Stephen, a man who himself caused destruction and healing.

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel nodded, perfectly satisfied with the answer. After all, he hadn't expected much else; he preferred to think of himself as a somewhat neutral being, at least as far as his loyalties to Him would allow.

Raphael's later words, however, presented simply too good an opportunity to let it slide by without any reaction. "You do not have to feel anything for anybody if you don't want to, true enough," he said. "The question, however, remains as of whether you truly don't want to feel, or just don't want to admit your feelings."

He tilted his head a bit, watching Raphael questioningly. He didn't really know whether the other archangel had any feelings for Michael (although he would have gladly found out) even though he was entitled to some suspicions. Also, he was the last person to blame somebody for hiding their feelings. However, he was definitely going to give Raphael something to think about, if nothing else.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes, Uriel," he said tersely, "There are reasons that we do not own to feelings or even allow ourselves to feel. It is not our place; and regardless of whether you disagree with me or not, I have no interest into falling into such a temptaion.

After all, feelings are chaotic. Give them free rein and who knows what might transpire?"

He looked straight ahead.

"And I don't care if any condescending bastards think I'm a coward for hesitating."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley watched the interaction between the two angels and sighed.

"Yeah, I'm a bastard, Raphael, but I'm only trying to help. I've only ever been trying to help. Maybe I'm not going about it the right way - it's not like I have a lot of experience - but believe it or not I have no interest in being cruel to you just for the sake of it."

He looked away for a moment, took a deep breath, and continued.

"It took me five thousand years to recognize my feelings for what they were. Then it took another thousand and a couple of really dangerous situations before I'd admit them to myself or act on them. I've wasted a lot of time when I could have been happy. And I've learned that it's not about what you're supposed to do. It's about what you can't help but do. I... I just don't want you or anyone else to make the same mistake."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael's attention shifted to the demon.

"Help me? Don't make me laugh. You are a demon; your purpose is cruelty. And why would I believe someone who serves a being with the title of Prince of Lies? You aren't to be trusted."

He paused and looked down at Frankie, petting him softly.

"And you don't know that feeling wouldn't be the mistake. Or that acting on something might make me happy. That allowing myself to become more emotional would be a good thing.

What do you know of what I might be like?" His hand on Frankie's head trembled. "Nothing. You know nothing. But I do. I've seen what happens to doctors who feel too much and go to far.

You - and I - and others might very well regret it."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Crowley shrugged defensively.

"Believe what you want. Angels always do, rather than observe and think for themselves, the idiots. But you sure as hell aren't happy now. What do you have to lose?"

He turned to leave.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"I am NOT an idiot!" He shouted at the demon indignantly. "And I'm happy. Very happy, as happy as I've any right to be."

He swallowed.

"I have everything to lose. The Presence. Comfort. Familiarity. Friendship. For what? Some vague promise that if I'm physically sexual I'm going to be happy?

The truth is that I might be miserable if I try. Once you ruin the peace of not knowing you can't get it back. In fact, I seem to remember you promising a certain female that she would be happier if she just tried what you suggested. Remember that? Was she happier?

I have no guarantees that this wouldn't be the exact same thing."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel raised an eyebrow at the demon's back. "Quite an interesting generalisation, calling all angels idiots, Crowley," he commented. "But I have to admit that, for the most part, you do have a point. You may serve the Prince of Lies, but that does not prove anything. To judge a servant solely by their master and not their own value is foolish -- after all, that Prince of Lies was once a servant to Him."

He now turned towards Raphael. "You fascinate me, Raphael," he said levelly. "Many things do, but at the moment, you are what especially draws my fascination and interest. You talk as if doctors and physicians -- your 'kin', like you said -- are completely separate from all other beings."

"There are humans who heal, yes. There are angels who heal more than other angels, too. But that doesn't make them very different from the others of their kind. So a doctor may be frustrated that they cannot help more. And? What about other humans, who are frustrated at not being able to help even the little than doctors can? Their frustration must be even worse. At least a doctor can, however frustrated, be confident that he has done his best. What can the other human say? That he was there and watched very closely as the doctor did what he could? How very useless that other one must feel."

"You are not that different from others of your kind, my dear Raphael -- and I am not talking about healers here. You say you are not unique, yet you seem to think so. So you are a doctor? Fine. That is a wonderful thing; the world certainly needs more of them. But that does not make you that different. You claim to have 'seen what happens to doctors who feel to much and go to far'. You have? Excellent. So have I. And I have also seen what happens to 'destroyers,' like you call them, who do the same thing. Do you know what? The end result is not that much different. Your feelings, their nature, or their consequences -- the fact that you are a healer first and foremost does not make those things any different from those of other angels."

"And what is this thing about destroying? That others destroy -- a negative thing, as you portray it, one that brings only suffering and pain -- and you and other healers are the ones forced to watch from the side and suffer? Really, Raphael, I thought you knew better."

"Sure, Michael is destructive at times. And what about it? That is the purpose He created him for. If he is aggressive, that is how He made him to be. He needs weapons to destroy just as much as He needs hands to heal. Michael just happens to be one of those weapons, while you serve as a pair of healing hands. That does not make him any worse than you are; rather you two complete each other. What would you sew together, if nobody destroyed?"

"And the Horsepeople? They are just doing their job. In the end, however much they make the humanity suffer, they have been sent onto their quest by Him. We may try to stop them from doing any outrageous damage, but in the end, they are doing what He has set them to do; they are a part of His plan. Their task is not, unlike you seem to think, to make you and other healers suffer. Until the End comes and they will do what they were originally created for, their task is simply to make the humans appreciate His gifts more by showing them the dark side of the life."

"Those who destroy are only serving their purpose, playing their own part of His plan. Yet you bind them all together with demons -- ones that, I happen to observe, you consider the vilest of creatures. Is anybody who destroys instead of healing below you somehow, be they a demon, a personification, or even a fellow angel? That is what your words make me feel like, my friend -- and that is not true. A doctor is not better than a warrior by default, however much you would like to feel so."

"You say you do not want to lose Presence. Loving has never made anybody lose that. However, you seem to me to be treading a dangerous path, Raphael -- a path of pride. Pride is what made Lucifer Fall. Therefore, I advise you to think."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Spinning back on his heel, Crowley stared at the archangel.

"Oh, for fuck's sake. I never said anything about sex. I was talking about love. Even you should know that they're not the same thing. And what the hell does 'As happy as I've any right to be' mean? Who decides how happy you get to be if it's not you?"

He glared at Raphael.

"Leave Eve out of this. That was work. Besides, I never told her she'd be happier, just that she'd have knowledge, which was perfectly true. And of course you have no fucking guarantees. You never do. So what? If something bad happens, you go on."

Nearly panting in anger, Crowley couldn't figure out why he was trying so hard to convince Raphael. It was like beating his head against a brick wall and he was doing it for no apparent reason.

"Sod this. Do what you want."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"As for you, Crowley," he muttered, "I do love, even if you disdain my particular way of loving. And I have no right to be happy at the expense or harm of others, no right to be happy again His law. If murder brought me joy, would you advocate that? Possibly; but that wouldn't make it right."

He glared back at the demon.

"And what's this but work? You cared so little about Him that I'm sure 'going on' was no trouble for you; but I would be destroyed. What I want is to remain secure - and there's only one way to ensure that."

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

"Now you are the one talking of things he knows nothing about," growled Crowley.

He threw up his hands in disgust. "You know what? Go ahead and find out the hard way. See if I care. But don't say I never told you."

Turning his attention to the other archangel, Crowley said, "Uriel, I would like to speak with you whenever you have the time. I'll be around. Good day."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"We are not separate from others - but we have responsibilities. If one cannot do anything then one is devoid of responsibility. If one can do something, responsibility rests on their shoulders.

And a doctor has implicitly different responsibilities from someone whose purpose is to make war. The ending might be the same; but for a physician it is a greater betrayal, a larger violation of duty. We promise to do no harm. So when affection leads to destruction, it is trechery.

Were there none who killed or injured I would not fill ill used. I would be glad in my redundancy. And the point of the fighting is that someday it will end - a day I long for most dearly. The passing away of destruction is the ultimate goal so I look to that, to peace as the high point of perfection."

He looked away.

"Love has never caused anybody to lose that? I'm not so sure. And I would not risk it."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

Uriel listened patiently to Raphael's little speech. "Peace may be the high point of perfection," he then said, "but before it there is fighting and destruction to be done as a part of His plan. Even though you look forward to that peace, you must not think any less of those who bring forth the destruction, moving further the day when final peace is reached."

"And even though you may not be sure that love has never caused anybody to Fall, I am sure. I am the angel of Presence, Raphael. I do know what can cause one to lose it. Love has never caused anybody to Fall, nor has physical attraction or even lust born from that love. Lust without love, yes, but never lust born of love."

"If you don't want to 'risk it,' like you say, you're welcome not to. Nobody is going to force you to -- not me, at least. And, although I have my own suspicions of which way you would be happier, I will not express those suspicions any more than I already may have. After all, it is true that love may indeed bring only more pain instead of happiness -- like it did to Michael."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael looked at him coldly.

"Fighting and destruction," he said softly, "Are nothing more than decisions, unnecessary to the final outcome. Peace could happen without fighting, if it was so desired.

It is those who make the choice to fight who do not let that happen.

Keep your suspicions to yourself, Uriel. Neither your nor anyone else save myself knows who or how I might love. And you ought not speculate any more than the demon."

He petted the dog again.

"As for Michael - tell me, Uriel, how can love - and I mean love mind you, not lust - come from gazing from afar at an idolized figure and then lying to that same being about intent? Omission is as good as an outright lie. Such actions speak more of lust than love.

Love comes from trust and intimate relationships - not a knight gazing up at a lady in a tower. What depth can there be, save for physicality?

And I deem that lust and not love at all."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

"Raphael," Uriel said, "I think you are missing my point. Those who choose to fight are the way they are because He created them like that, He chose to make them ones who would rather destroy than save. If it truly was solely their own choice and not His will as well, don't you think He could bring us peace immediately and simply ignore their will to fight?"

"And, as for Michael, I don't know. I don't know how true love can come about, since I have never loved another being beyond the love between friends. I also don't know whether or not you have, but everybody is different in loving. I don't think it's my place any more than it is yours to evaluate whether Michael's feelings are love or lust, or both -- it is only his. And, as far as I know, he claims his feelings are love, and has done that for a long time. I can only hope he can get over his feelings for you and move on -- since if he stays as he is now, you are no better than he is. You claim to want to save and protect, but at the moment it appears you have destroyed Michael. There is such a thing as gentle rejection, you know."

"Omission is as good as a lie? Not necessarily, Raphael. If such a thing does not come up in the conversation, should one go out of their way to announce something that might potentially hurt them or the one they tell it to? Or even if it wouldn't hurt? If I consider somebody my friend, does it make me a liar that I do not immediately go and tell them that? Apparently it does. Therefore, I am a liar -- and surprised about it. I never considered myself one, after all."

"I will no more offer you my suspicions or speculations, as you clearly do not want to know them. However, I'd like to tell you one thing, a thing I know as a fact. I am one of the few angels besides yourself who have been given a human body and have never made an effort. I haven't ever even considered it. I don't feel need for such things; not even Michael's kiss a few days ago could change my feelings one bit. All the time I am surrounded by His Presence, as strong to me here as it would be to you in Heaven. I should be perfectly content as I am. However, I am not. I'm not happy, Raphael, despite my lack of love. And Michael is unhappy despite -- or more because -- his love. You aren't safe from sorrow either way."

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"I refuse to accept that as an excuse. We are how he made us but we can also chose to rise above our circumstance. Is everything we do an extension of His will? If not, then how are we to know which actions, violent or not, are His will? If so, then is it His will that some fall? Which is it? And does that make every action I do non-culpable, since if I'm doing it it must be His will? I should dearly like to hear your thoughts.

And it is a lie to feel one way about a person and put up a facade, especially about something like obsession - or love. The later the confession the greater the pain."

The revelation about Michael's kiss surprised him slightly, then made him chuckle inside. Love indeed. He simply wanted release.

"And if I am not safe from sorrow, then perhaps it is best to act as I see fit. Sadness may come either way but perhaps I can achieve something in the process."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

"Not everything we do is what He wills, no. He doesn't want any of His children, humans or angels, to be lost, but some defy his mercy. Humans have the freedom of choice; we have it too, but are naturally inclined to choose the Light. Destruction is by His will because some of it He has ordered. If not for Michael and his forces, who would have driven Lucifer out of Heaven? And even when it is not by His order, He still allows it. After all, He has created the warriors and destroyers so that they are more likely to choose war than peace, more likely to destroy than fix. It is a part of His plan. If He has seen it necessary, it is not your place to say that it wouldn't be if the warriors didn't choose to fight!

"Even though He does not want any of us to Fall, He already knows who are going to do that due to their own choices and decisions. It is their own choice, yet it is a part of His plan, because He knew it and made it fit His plans far before they even first thought of abandoning Him.

"The later the confession -- Raphael, listen to yourself! How would you even know just how long Michael has loved you? And I think the greatest pain has been caused to him, not you. Is it truly your place to say that he has hurt you, when you have hurt him even worse?

"Nobody is safe from sorrow, and yes, you can act just as you see fit. However, it is not good to separate yourself from others, like you have apparently separated yourself from Michael. How long will it be until you have driven away all around you because you are afraid to love? Is that really what you want? Being lonely isn't a nice thing, Raphael. I, for one, should know that. Often times His Presence has been the only thing to stay with me even at my weakest moments.

"Ever thought of suicide, Raphael? I have. It's not easy for an immortal being, such as we are, but there are ways and I know them. At times I feel so lonely and different from everybody else that if it wasn't for the Presence I would have already committed one of the greatest sins. And I couldn't even Fall for it, because there wouldn't be anything left to Fall!"

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

"Destruction by his will - I can't stand that Uriel! People suffer from such punishments, even the innocent. Bystanders get dragged into destruction when it happens - is that what He's truly like? That He doesn't mind the collateral damage?"

Uriel's words felt like a blow to the chest. He healed, loved mercy... the idea that war was necessary was bitter to him, even moreso when he thought of the idea that He made it so.

Raphael wanted to run far away at that moment.

"I have no idea about Michael," he said briskly. "Nor do I care much. It is not my duty to love him in the way he does me. I don't have to return his affections and it's not my fault if he loves in that way when I do not; he must get over it but I'm not responsible for his feelings just because I don't reciprocate.

I am not afraid and I know the consequences of lonliness. But if my refusal to return his feelings drives him or others away, thats not my fault.

I can't help how he feels."

Raphael felt disoriented and took a step away from the other angel.

"And I still don't see why war must be His will. There are always other ways. There have to be..."

[bipolar-uriel.livejournal.com]

A cold feeling of dread was starting to spread through Uriel as he listened to Raphael. This was not good. Not good at all.

"We should not question His deeds or reasons, Raphael," he said quietly. "He has wisdom and knowledge that goes far beyond that of ours. We're not even supposed to know his reasons. What we know is that he is merciful but will waste no mercy for unrepenting sinners.

"When did I say it is your duty to return Michael's feelings? Never. But, like I said before, there is such a thing as gentle rejection. There is some difference between not returning his feelings and calling him a disgusting abomination. It is not your fault if he's hurt because you don't love him the way he loves you, but you are indeed the one to blame if you express the state of your feelings in such a hurting way."

Raphael's step away from him was like a blow. "I don't see why war is necessary, either," he said. "However, I do not question His will. And I advise that you don't, either -- it does not end well." With an even quieter voice, he added, "It never ends well."

Then, Uriel turned away and walked off in search of Crowley. However, he couldn't completely shake away the odd feeling of dread that had fallen upon him.

[winged-healer.livejournal.com]

Raphael watched him leave, his questions answered with an instruction not to ask.

It didn't seem good enough.

"Come along, Frankie," he sighed, retreating to his quarters to read the new pet some James Herriot.