(no subject)

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

Time: September 10
Place: Library
Status: Private (Sirius and Aziraphale)
Summary: Sirius has a few questions



Sirius leaned in the doorway of the library, unsure. It had been a few days since his conversation with Crowley, and he'd so far managed to avoid tracking down the angel Crowley had mentioned. Truth be told, he was terrified-- he'd never gone in for religion much, but from what he did know about it, he doubted he'd stand up too well under close scrutiny. Still, Crowley said the angel wasn't a bad sort, so maybe it would be all right. He had Harry to think of now, so he had to get his problems under control, and he had to many questions to just put them all aside.

Blond and tweedy. The angel's name was something strange with a z in it somewhere. Sirius swallowed hard, and very cautiously stepped through the doorway into the library.

"Hello?"

Comments

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

The angel's head popped out from behind a stack of newly shipped books. "Oh, hello," he greeted, brushing away a loose curl. "Can I help you with anything?"

He extracted himself from the stacks once the man didn't leave, and came over. "I don't believe we've met," he said, meticulously cleaning his hands with an airforce blue handkerchief, and then held one out. "I'm the librarian."

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius looked the librarian over. He was blond, certainly, and there was something rather tweedy about him. Sirius took hold of the librarian's very clean, pudgy hand, and shook, although not too firmly. He was very nervous, and didn't want to give off the wrong impression. "I'm Sirius," he said. "I'm something of a guest here."

The librarian was oddly unintimidating. He seemed rather nice, which Sirius supposed he should have expected, but, well, there was just something about him that made Sirius feel like he could trust him. He took a deep breath. "I know this might be a rude question," he said finally, "but you wouldn't be an angel by any chance? Only somebody said there was an angel here."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

There was a moment while Aziraphale stared at the ma- Sirius, and then he coughed and cleared his throat. "Sorry, a bit of a tic," he explained, rubbing his throat uneasily.

"I am, actually. Not quite the question I'm asked on a daily basis, however. My name is Aziraphale. Did someone perhaps refer you to me? If you need a book I can be of service, but otherwise I'm not entirely certain what I can do for you, Sirius."

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

"Sorry," said Sirius, in a very small voice, surprised that Aziraphale was so open, as though he had just announced that he was a dentist, actually. He felt stupid and awkward around the angel, which wasn't a state he had much experience with. He found he didn't enjoy it very much. Sirius had always been good at not letting his nervousness show in uncomfortable situations, exuding an air of boredom and arrogance. Now, however, he was conscious of his slightly hunched posture, and the way he was fiddling with his sleeves. He immediately forced himself to stand up straight and still.

"Someone sort of referred me, but I'm not looking for a book. I was, I mean I sort of--" he swallowed. Why was this so hard? He had no idea how to start, whether to explain everything, or wait for the angel to speak, or whether this was just a bad idea all together. "I have a few questions about things." He left it at that for now.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale frowned, and walked closer, watching the man grow more and more uncomfortable.

"What sort of questions?" he asked, more gently, as he prepared the small coffee table with a steaming teapot - glancing at Sirius to see if there was any reaction to the miracle - and a pair of teacups and saucers. Milk, cream, sugar all appeared on the table as well, sitting within an antique tea tray.

"If you would like to join me, my dear? I could shut the door too, if you wished. I have the inkling that you may not appreciate interruptions in the conversation we shall have."

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius nodded in response to Aziraphale's questions, and without saying a word sat down at the coffee table. He didn't flinch at the summoning of tea, as he'd apparently had a demon summon hard liquor for him on two separate occasions already. He picked up one of the fragile little teacups-- they had little yellow ducks on them, he noticed blankly-- and watched the angel as he poured himself some of the tea. He then picked up the little sugar spoon and put two spoonfuls of sugar in the tea and stirred shakily, slopping some of the tea over the side of the cup onto the saucer. He gave Aziraphale a sudden, startled, apologetic look, and gave the sugar a longing look before taking a sip. It was very hot, a little hotter than he would normally have taken his tea, but the tea was strong and delicious.

"Thank you," he said quietly, at last. "Um, the questions. They're really-- maybe it would be easier if I started at the beginning? It's a sort of long story." He shrugged, as if to say that he would do this however Aziraphale wanted.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

The door shut the moment Sirius assented, and Aziraphale took a seat across from the strange man.

"If that's what you want," the angel told him, picking up his own cup of tea, already made with no puttering around. The bit of spilled tea was already gone with a quick miracle, something he hoped wouldn't unnerve the man too much. Not that it was possible to unnerve him that much more, Aziraphale reasoned.

He sipped his tea quietly, ancient blue eyes focussed on Sirius. "Go ahead," Aziraphale said gently, "I'm listening."

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

"Right then," said Sirius, taking a bigger sip of tea than he'd intended to. The hot tea scalds his tongue a little, and it feels numb in his mouth. He puts the cup down. "I suppose it all started back when we were just kids-- I don't know how much you know about the wizarding world or anything, but we've had horrible wars and my family's always been on the wrong side. I never got on with them much, so when I started school, my friends became my new family. I mean James, and Remus too, I suppose, were more my brothers than my real brothers, and maybe I was even like that with Peter once."

He sighed, and paused, thinking of his friends when they were young. He actually can't remember caring about Peter in the same way he'd cared for Remus and James, and he wondered if this was another failing on his part. For all that they'd teased him, excluded him, made him feel small at times, Sirius was certain James and Remus had loved Peter. Maybe it was someone his parents fault, that it was so hard for him to love people (and even when he did love people, he usually managed to fuck it up).

"Anyways, Remus, he, erm," Sirius paused, not sure what to do here. Does Aziraphale already know? Would Remus even mind anymore? "Listen, you can't tell anyone about this part or treat him any differently. Not that I thought you would," he added quickly, "but he just...I'm not sure how he'd feel about me, I don't know."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

"Remus," Aziraphale repeated, and recalled faintly the tired-looking man who fetched him when Crowley was- of course.

He studied Sirius curiously. "I won't. But I can't know what I'm not to tell him if I don't know what I'm supposed to be not-" The angel waved his hand, dismissing the bad airs. "-not telling this Remus."

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

"It's other people you can't tell, I meant. He already knows. He's a werewolf," Sirius whispered, feeling a sudden pang on guilt. He knew this was a special circumstace, so there wasn't anything wrong with revealing his friend's secret, but it was so odd to hear him speak it out loud to a near stranger. Most of the years he'd known Remus, he'd also known that letting Remus' secret slip could ruin Remus' life by expulsion or ostracization. He was still possibly risking Remus' job here, but he didn't think angels could break a promise, and anyways, Remus' boss apparently already knew.

"But, see, he didn't tell us he was a werewolf when we first met. My friends and I figured it out, and then we tried to help him by becoming animagi. I think that's why we were so close-- we all shared this incredible secret, so it was like, there was everybody in the world and then the four of us. That's what it seemed like to me, anyway. But when we grew up, there was a terrible war in the wizarding world, and it sort of changed things. We stopped trusting each other, and I fu-- I messed up really bad."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale absorbed this.

"Quite the story. I don't know a lot about loups garoux other than what I've read-" and heard- "but I'm not so certain that the lycanthropy is the problem, here. What, my dear, did you want to ask me?"

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

"I wanted to know about death," says quite firmly, in a manner very different from the shaky tone he'd been using earlier. "I messed up, you see. We knew one of our group of friends was working for Voldemort, but I was stupid enough to think it was Remus. If you've ever met him, you'd know how ridiculous this was. My only excuse is that I let myself be convinced by Peter, who was the real spy. I underestimated him and I got scared, because Remus is-- I just couldn't trust myself not to simply reveal everything to him. Because of me, James and his wife died. I need to know that they're someplace good, because I've died once before and I could never forgive myself if I sent them where I went." He shuddered visibly.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Oh.

Aziraphale decided that this conversation was probably going to need more tea, and drained his cup to make a new one immediately. "Death."

He coughed. "Well. I'm not certain you want to know all the mysteries of the universe just yet. Them being mysteries for a reason; the whole of death (and Death, who's a very nice poker player once you get to know him) is intrinsically ineffable.

"But," he continued, against all reason, "there is a Heaven. I cannot know if your friends are there but if they were good-" godly, moral, "-then they'll be up there." The angel picked up his new cup of tea and watched it, deciding it needed more sugar, and added a cube manually.

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius frowns and waves hand as he speaks, slopping tea from the teacup in his hand all over the table. "Look, I respect what you're saying, but there's no need to patronize me. I've already seen it. Maybe I haven't been anywhere you were from, but trust me on this one. And what exactly do you mean 'good?'" He notices the dripping tea and puts the cup down on the table, calming himself down a bit as he does so.

"I've met plenty of people who would use plenty of different definitions of what it takes to get into heaven. I'm not asking you to lay out the formula, just to clear a few things up. Do you mean they have to believe in something in particular? James didn't believe in anything, and neither did Lily as far as I know. Do they have to have been perfect, or followed all of the rules like, like, try not to shag anyone if you can help it, or is it good enough to break the rules and just be really really sorry?"

He considers this for a second. "No, it's not the last one, is it? Because I'm sorry for just about everything I've ever-- but I still didn't--" He stops talking rather abruptly, and focuses intently on cleaning up the spilled tea with a napkin. Aziraphale asking him straight out what he wanted had opened the floodgates, but he was suddenly very conscious of what he was saying and who he was talking to.

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

The spilled tea was gone before he can really focus on it, and Aziraphale felt grateful, absurdly, for the distraction.

"If you're sorry," he said, and fiddled for a moment with his tea, "then that is enough, for many. A bout in Purgatory makes up for the somewhat unrighteous types... not that they mean to be, it's simply a matter of celestial opinion. So..." he faltered, "I mean, I can't impart a great deal, a lot of it is belief and faith - you have to believe yourself capable of being good enough for Heaven, or making the effort to be good. Although... it's a good deal less paperwork when one does follow all the 'rules'."

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius shrugged, slouching his shoulders slightly. "I was sorry. But when I died, it still wasn't enough, apparently. I mean, the place I was-- I don't think it could have been purgatory, because purgatory couldn't be quite that bad, you know? But I don't know how to be sorrier than I am and I don't know the rules and I don't know if I'm capable of being good enough for heaven, but if I'm really not good enough? I'm not exactly an expert, but I thought you people weren't in favor of false pride."

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

"There are realms outside of simply Heaven and Hell, Purgatory and Limbo."

Aziraphale sighed. "If you- you can learn the rules, of course, if you have that original seed of belief in you already. An angel cannot give you hope you did not have already, as any preacher can make you religious when you weren't before. Everyone's capable of Heaven, no matter how great your sins are. You must be sorry for them, and you have that covered."

The angel settled a hand on the man's thin shoulder, gentle. "It's not a matter of believing you are good enough. It's a matter of showing that you believe at all - help others, follow the golden rules, be a good sort in life. You're still young, and have a life remaining to you - use it. Use it well." The Force is strong in this one, Aziraphale thought silently, watching him. The quote was a remnant from someone - nice young man, bit poor in the hygiene department - looking to purchase a "Star Wars" book.

I suck

[grimsirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius nodded, gripping the handle of his teacup very tightly at the unexpected touch. He hadn't let anyone except Remus and Harry touch him as a human in so long, and knowing what this man was, and what that affection meant-- the knowledge and the words together were almost too much.

When he risked a glance up and caught Aziraphale's gaze, he had to look away. But he nodded shakily. "Okay. Thank you. I'll try." He bit his lower lip. "I'm not really sure exactly how to, but I really will try."

It was odd, but the idea that he was young, that he had his life remaining to him, was difficult for him to process. He'd wasted so much time and lost so much, and he'd stopped thinking of his life as something that had any hope of lasting. But maybe old wounds would heal eventually, if more peaceful years went by. He wondered what he would do with all of that time, and Aziraphale's suggestion seemed as good as any.

Wtf? (Hey, rhyming!)

[ineffable-angel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale nodded.

"Thank you. Perhaps it's also not my business to say, but you might also try letting your man - your friend know some of this, too."

He hadn't, quite, been sure what answer the man was looking for, but perhaps he'd found something.