Uriel looked at Chirpy, who was flying happily in circles under the shining sun. She always watched over him whenever she let him fly outside; Huginn and Muninn were always around, after all. They definitely would try to harm her pet should they get a chance to do so.
It was strange, being responsible for another being like that. Once her baby was born, her life would definitely change entirely – a child would certainly mean more responsibility than a bird. She was not used to such things – after all, sometimes she was unable to take care of even herself.
She remembered the times before the Fall. Back then, she had been hardly aware of her own existence. The only thing that had mattered to her had been the Presence, the warm, ever-shining flame she had held on the palm of her hand, her sole purpose of existence. There had been no threat to it, yet she had guarded it, because there had been nothing else she could have done. She had thought, and therefore she may have been, but she had only thought of the Presence, and thus she had only been through it. All in all, she had not existed, not in the way the word was usually interpreted.
Then, however, had come the Fall. The painful, horrible Fall, all those angels Falling – a whole third of the Host! – and suddenly, she had been all too aware of her own existence. For somebody had to be feeling all that pain, and with a sudden startle she had realized that it was her, that there was a being that was her. It had been impossible to ignore that fact when every fibre of her being had been screaming in pain. And there had been no Presence, either – for the first time ever since she'd been created had she had to acknowledge that something actually existed beyond that bright flame and the glory of the Lord.
It had been a painful experience in every meaning of the word.
It had returned, of course. Although slighty different from what it had been, the Presence had still been just as strong as always. There might have been a chance for her to slip back into her peaceful lack of awareness. However, she had failed to do so. Once she had become fully aware of herself and the world around her, she had found them impossible to ignore again in favour of simply guarding the Presence.
Still, she had done her best to cling to the only thing that had been familiar to her. Although the Presence was no more her whole existence, it had definitely been the sole thing that had defined her. Since somebody held the Presence, she had figured, that somebody had to exist, and that somebody had been her.
The more it had hurt when the next angel had Fallen.
From the Falls, a vicious cycle had begun. Whenever she lost the feeling of Presence, she clung even tighter to it when it returned, which naturally made the eventual new loss even more painful. In Presence she had been somewhat able to ignore herself and any possible needs and desires she might have had otherwise – when she had Presence, why should she yearn for anything else? However, whenever she was temporarily cut from it, she'd had to accept that she was something else than just a vessel, that she was something else than even just the Angel of Presence. There had been no Presence, but there had been her – and there had been pain.
As she sank deeper and deeper with every new Fall, the pain had slowly become even more important. While she had guarded her appearance, not wanting to let any of that pain to show to the world outside, she'd been unable to keep the pain from tearing at her from the inside. And, slowly, she had figured that she deserved the pain, somehow. For why else would her loving God have allowed her to be in pain when all she had done was following His orders?
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2006-05-19 10:49 am (UTC)It was strange, being responsible for another being like that. Once her baby was born, her life would definitely change entirely – a child would certainly mean more responsibility than a bird. She was not used to such things – after all, sometimes she was unable to take care of even herself.
She remembered the times before the Fall. Back then, she had been hardly aware of her own existence. The only thing that had mattered to her had been the Presence, the warm, ever-shining flame she had held on the palm of her hand, her sole purpose of existence. There had been no threat to it, yet she had guarded it, because there had been nothing else she could have done. She had thought, and therefore she may have been, but she had only thought of the Presence, and thus she had only been through it. All in all, she had not existed, not in the way the word was usually interpreted.
Then, however, had come the Fall. The painful, horrible Fall, all those angels Falling – a whole third of the Host! – and suddenly, she had been all too aware of her own existence. For somebody had to be feeling all that pain, and with a sudden startle she had realized that it was her, that there was a being that was her. It had been impossible to ignore that fact when every fibre of her being had been screaming in pain. And there had been no Presence, either – for the first time ever since she'd been created had she had to acknowledge that something actually existed beyond that bright flame and the glory of the Lord.
It had been a painful experience in every meaning of the word.
It had returned, of course. Although slighty different from what it had been, the Presence had still been just as strong as always. There might have been a chance for her to slip back into her peaceful lack of awareness. However, she had failed to do so. Once she had become fully aware of herself and the world around her, she had found them impossible to ignore again in favour of simply guarding the Presence.
Still, she had done her best to cling to the only thing that had been familiar to her. Although the Presence was no more her whole existence, it had definitely been the sole thing that had defined her. Since somebody held the Presence, she had figured, that somebody had to exist, and that somebody had been her.
The more it had hurt when the next angel had Fallen.
From the Falls, a vicious cycle had begun. Whenever she lost the feeling of Presence, she clung even tighter to it when it returned, which naturally made the eventual new loss even more painful. In Presence she had been somewhat able to ignore herself and any possible needs and desires she might have had otherwise – when she had Presence, why should she yearn for anything else? However, whenever she was temporarily cut from it, she'd had to accept that she was something else than just a vessel, that she was something else than even just the Angel of Presence. There had been no Presence, but there had been her – and there had been pain.
As she sank deeper and deeper with every new Fall, the pain had slowly become even more important. While she had guarded her appearance, not wanting to let any of that pain to show to the world outside, she'd been unable to keep the pain from tearing at her from the inside. And, slowly, she had figured that she deserved the pain, somehow. For why else would her loving God have allowed her to be in pain when all she had done was following His orders?