"You may have mentioned it," John said dryly, but he couldn't quite bring himself to smile. Something Raphael had just said struck too painfully familiar a chord.
...guilt and the sense that I got off and another went in my place...
He cleared his throat, eyes on the floor at Raphael's feet. "Years ago," he began tentatively, "I came across this little girl, Astra. She'd been abused, in the worst ways you can imagine, and she must have had some innate talent, because she accidentally summoned a fear elemental that was killing people in the cellar of her father's club.
"I was a cocky little bastard back in the day, thought I could get away with damn near anything. And I decided to get rid of it by summoning a bigger badder demon to take it away."
He glanced up, his eyes shadowed by more than mere fatigue. "I bollocksed it up. Misnamed the demon and lost control. I wasn't the one who paid for it, though. The bastard took Astra to Hell." He swallowed. "I followed them, tried to lead her out...but when I got home again, all I'd brought back with me was her arm."
Shutting his eyes, he leaned his head against the doorway, old memories festooned with remembered pain like cobwebs coming back to him in a half-dozing reverie. "Took me a long time and a long stay in Ravenscar to get my head straightened out after that. I finally figured out, though, that I couldn't take all the blame any more than I could refuse to accept any at all. Astra's dad was an unbelievable cocksucker, none of it could have happened if not for him. The crew I ran with had the bad judgement to go along with my stupid idea. And Michael had his own choices to make, too.
"Sometimes we fuck up on an epic scale, Raphael, and we deserve to feel guilty and to lose sleep over it. Trying to make things right and failing doesn't excuse us from that." He shoved away from the door frame, thrusting his hands into his pockets. "But nobody's big enough to cause something that awful to happen without a lot of help, either. So go on and stay up and bleach the shit out of everything in sight if it makes you feel better, but don't let it eat you up til there's nothing left. All right?"
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2006-03-13 07:27 am (UTC)...guilt and the sense that I got off and another went in my place...
He cleared his throat, eyes on the floor at Raphael's feet. "Years ago," he began tentatively, "I came across this little girl, Astra. She'd been abused, in the worst ways you can imagine, and she must have had some innate talent, because she accidentally summoned a fear elemental that was killing people in the cellar of her father's club.
"I was a cocky little bastard back in the day, thought I could get away with damn near anything. And I decided to get rid of it by summoning a bigger badder demon to take it away."
He glanced up, his eyes shadowed by more than mere fatigue. "I bollocksed it up. Misnamed the demon and lost control. I wasn't the one who paid for it, though. The bastard took Astra to Hell." He swallowed. "I followed them, tried to lead her out...but when I got home again, all I'd brought back with me was her arm."
Shutting his eyes, he leaned his head against the doorway, old memories festooned with remembered pain like cobwebs coming back to him in a half-dozing reverie. "Took me a long time and a long stay in Ravenscar to get my head straightened out after that. I finally figured out, though, that I couldn't take all the blame any more than I could refuse to accept any at all. Astra's dad was an unbelievable cocksucker, none of it could have happened if not for him. The crew I ran with had the bad judgement to go along with my stupid idea. And Michael had his own choices to make, too.
"Sometimes we fuck up on an epic scale, Raphael, and we deserve to feel guilty and to lose sleep over it. Trying to make things right and failing doesn't excuse us from that." He shoved away from the door frame, thrusting his hands into his pockets. "But nobody's big enough to cause something that awful to happen without a lot of help, either. So go on and stay up and bleach the shit out of everything in sight if it makes you feel better, but don't let it eat you up til there's nothing left. All right?"