neutral_omens | (no subject)

Date: January 23, 2000
Setting: Michael's Room
Status: John, Raphael, Michael, Adam, Gabriel (Semi-Private, Complete)
Summary: John vents his feelings at Raphael. Mayhem ensues. (Continued from here.)

It was a pretty decent plan, John thought. Find Raphael, get him away from his oaf of a bodyguard by whatever means presented itself, and teach the little rat a lesson he'd never forget. He liked it. It was elegant in its simplicity.

The fact that it included no provisions for ensuring his own safety (or survival) in the event that Michael proved less easily hoodwinked this time than last--or that Raphael unexpectedly grew himself a pair--he considered a minor flaw. He was too hacked off at the moment to think that far ahead.*

He found Raphael's room unoccupied and proceeded to Michael's, ducked momentarily down a side-hall to avoid a frustrated-looking Snob along the way (hadn't that damn fool got things sorted out with Belial yet?) and strode up to the door, knocking sharply before he could think better of what he was doing.

---

*Anyway, his most clever, complicated schemes always seemed to lead him into worse trouble in the long run. If things were going to go pear-shaped, they might just as well go pear-shaped straightaway and get it over with.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"You deserve only the best, my love," Michael said. "And I am hardly the best." Then he sighed, figuring that perhaps for once it was better to just be honest with Raphael than to try to soothe him. "No, I'm not sure I understand," he said, running a hand through his hair in an all too familiar manner. "I'm not sure I understand at all. You never were aggressive before, Raphael. You were the one who always wanted to forgive and forget no matter what. That was a part of what I first fell in love with in you," he admitted.

"Not that I don't still love you just as much, or more," he hastied to add. "It's just that... I don't understand you anymore, Raphael. You are... different. The Raphael I used to know would have never attacked anyone, would have never considered using a gun, would have never called Uriel annoying, even, although he often is. Something has changed in you -- perhaps it's because of this Manor, perhaps for other reasons, I don't know -- and I don't understand a thing."

With another sigh, he continued, "And now you are telling I should be careful, shouldn't trust, not even you. But if that is the case, then what can I do?" He grimaced a bit. "I'm not smart, Raphael, and I know that. Thinking and logic was never my strength. I take things as I see them; I can't figure out hidden meanings or masked truth. And now... I simply don't understand what is going on. Something is, I know that, but what? If it isn't something I can hit, I don't know what to do about it." He chuckled sadly. "See? I'm absolutely useless. Why you even stand me around is beyond me."

Don't I know all about you being stupid and useless... and I know why I stand it too and it's not a good reason...

Raphael bit his lip and thought about Michael's less desirable traits and how much they repulsed him. Or at least did. They still did - didn't they? He thought of how he put up with those traits to use him.

Suddenly, he felt very sick.

"I... I don't deserve you," he replied quietly. "Intelligence isn't everything. You... you have a good soul. And me... I... I mean...

I pulled a gun on a human. I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I don't understand myself, I act without thinking things through, act selfishly, act like an angel shouldn't and I can't give a good reason why.

Maybe... Maybe you should stay away from me," he suggested in a whisper.

Michael's heart ached as he listened to Raphael's words. "I'm not going to stay away from you," he said softly. "I love you, Raphael, I love you more than anything. If you truly want me to leave, you'll have to tell me. If you sincerely don't want me around, I will leave you in peace, but you'll have to tell me to leave."

He looked the other angel in the eye, silently challenging Raphael to tell him to leave. At the same time he sincerely, desperately hoped that he wouldn't hear it, that he never would have to leave his dear, beloved Raphael.

For a long moment, Raphael froze. If he truly cared, he would tell Michael to leave, to not involve himself with Raphael's problems, issues and hangups. He would take Gabriel's advice and not drag him down or entice him to Fall.

Then fear coiled in his stomach and he pulled Michael into a kiss.

"I don't want you to leave," he told Michael. "Not at all."

Or at least not just yet...

For a moment Michael managed to concentrate solely on kissing Raphael, forgetting all his fears and worries for a while. However, as the kiss ended, they all returned, stronger than before. And even if he did manage to smile at Raphael, smile and whisper sweet words of reassurance, trying to make the healer feel better, there was still a hint of fear hiding deep within his heart.

Raphael smiled at Michael, but inside he felt as ill as though he'd been poisoned. Something had turned sour and things seemed to be moving inexoribly to an unfortunate end.

Pushing such thoughts out of his mind, he dropped away, laid down and closed his eyes.

"Lay with me?" He asked as he tried to drift away.

Michael smiled at Raphael. "Of course, love," he replied quietly, laying himself down next to the redhead. He wrapped an arm protectively around Raphael's waist, holding him close, determined not to let anything else hurt him.

Slowly he started to fall asleep, feeling safe and comfortable, leaving his fears behind in the world of waking.

Raphael relaxed into Michael's embraced and slowed his breathing until at last he fell asleep, trying to gain back the energy he'd lost.