"I trust less when I'm kept in the dark," he retorted. "That only leaves me free to assume the worst. And I wouldn't have told. I don't spread rumors."
He frowned and felt himself blush.
"I didn't mean to," he muttered. "That was an accident. I got careless.
I don't need help. There's nothing wrong with me," he retorted. "All I want is to be taken seriously and to be able to act without fear." He paused. "And that's why... that's why I have to... I've got to or I'll never be taken seriously, everyone will laugh and say I was too afraid..."
Raphael looked at the gun, then John and then the gun once more.
"I just have to pull the trigger. Just squeeze a little. Then no more sarcastic smiles. No more getting pushed around." He frowned. "I can't even count what happened to Crowley, you know that? I lost control, it wasn't deliberate, and I did try to fix it.
I didn't even have the... the fortitude to just walk away and leave him, let alone use the hose."
As he looked at the weapon, he agonized over what to do next. Now that he'd pulled it, like with Michael, he felt trapped. To his mind, he was caught between going against his purpose and backing down from cowardice.
"For what it's worth - it's too bad it's you," he told John, his voice quivering slightly. "But you impugned me. I have to quit just taking it, so to speak, if I want to ever not be afraid. You might come after me again if I do something else to offend you or Crowley anyway.
And I don't think you're sorry. But I am."
He felt himself hesitating for what seemed an interminable time, trying to justify to himself that he had to do. In the seconds that passed he stopped breathing and didn't move at all, hovering on the edge.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2006-02-19 03:03 am (UTC)He frowned and felt himself blush.
"I didn't mean to," he muttered. "That was an accident. I got careless.
I don't need help. There's nothing wrong with me," he retorted. "All I want is to be taken seriously and to be able to act without fear." He paused. "And that's why... that's why I have to... I've got to or I'll never be taken seriously, everyone will laugh and say I was too afraid..."
Raphael looked at the gun, then John and then the gun once more.
"I just have to pull the trigger. Just squeeze a little. Then no more sarcastic smiles. No more getting pushed around." He frowned. "I can't even count what happened to Crowley, you know that? I lost control, it wasn't deliberate, and I did try to fix it.
I didn't even have the... the fortitude to just walk away and leave him, let alone use the hose."
As he looked at the weapon, he agonized over what to do next. Now that he'd pulled it, like with Michael, he felt trapped. To his mind, he was caught between going against his purpose and backing down from cowardice.
"For what it's worth - it's too bad it's you," he told John, his voice quivering slightly. "But you impugned me. I have to quit just taking it, so to speak, if I want to ever not be afraid. You might come after me again if I do something else to offend you or Crowley anyway.
And I don't think you're sorry. But I am."
He felt himself hesitating for what seemed an interminable time, trying to justify to himself that he had to do. In the seconds that passed he stopped breathing and didn't move at all, hovering on the edge.