His throat grew dry and his hands trembled. Yet Raphael still managed to speak; quietly, but he managed.
"I... I've been upset by the presence of that... that disgusting disease breeder," he whispered, his face contorted. "So I entertained... entertain thoughts against him and... I just wondered why he was needed!" His face grew pale. "But Uriel said that it wasn't good to ask and implied... he implied I'd Fall!" He shivered. "And nobody else in this place cares, they all want it, except...
Except that to Fell me Uriel's sword has to touch me. And maybe if there was... you know... something... somebody to fight for me, stand in the way, maybe it wouldn't happen that way. Maybe I could get away or... or something."
He refused to look at Gabriel as he came to the worst of it.
"And he was already two-thirds of the way there anyway, and if he's that thick, it's not my fault!" He burst out in an effort to rationalize it. "I just... gave him a nudge. Exaggerated a little. So maybe I said somethings that weren't exactly true, or that I didn't really, really feel but I only did it so that I wouldn't Fall because I was scared but now..."
Raphael's voice quivered.
"He thinks I love him! And... and I don't know what to do! Because if he's not there I could Fall but what I've been - no, what I am doing..."
His he hung.
"And I... I twisted things too. To provoke a fight with the demon Crowley. I was angry so I said stuff that wasn't exactly not true but... but it made Michael think that Crowley tries to molest me. I was mad at him. He mocks me. Says I'm weak. Wanted Michael to show him. Hurt him.
I was scared and angry. And I think I'm in over my head," he told Gabriel in a very small voice.
Then he waited for the blow to come, for Gabriel to be horrified, disgusted with him. Maybe he'd run off and go tell Michael or worse, Uriel or Crowley and then things would really take a downward turn.
He felt ill inside and wanted to cry but instead just sat there, looking at the sheets and wondering how he was going to get out of the mess he'd made.
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"I... I've been upset by the presence of that... that disgusting disease breeder," he whispered, his face contorted. "So I entertained... entertain thoughts against him and... I just wondered why he was needed!" His face grew pale. "But Uriel said that it wasn't good to ask and implied... he implied I'd Fall!" He shivered. "And nobody else in this place cares, they all want it, except...
Except that to Fell me Uriel's sword has to touch me. And maybe if there was... you know... something... somebody to fight for me, stand in the way, maybe it wouldn't happen that way. Maybe I could get away or... or something."
He refused to look at Gabriel as he came to the worst of it.
"And he was already two-thirds of the way there anyway, and if he's that thick, it's not my fault!" He burst out in an effort to rationalize it. "I just... gave him a nudge. Exaggerated a little. So maybe I said somethings that weren't exactly true, or that I didn't really, really feel but I only did it so that I wouldn't Fall because I was scared but now..."
Raphael's voice quivered.
"He thinks I love him! And... and I don't know what to do! Because if he's not there I could Fall but what I've been - no, what I am doing..."
His he hung.
"And I... I twisted things too. To provoke a fight with the demon Crowley. I was angry so I said stuff that wasn't exactly not true but... but it made Michael think that Crowley tries to molest me. I was mad at him. He mocks me. Says I'm weak. Wanted Michael to show him. Hurt him.
I was scared and angry. And I think I'm in over my head," he told Gabriel in a very small voice.
Then he waited for the blow to come, for Gabriel to be horrified, disgusted with him. Maybe he'd run off and go tell Michael or worse, Uriel or Crowley and then things would really take a downward turn.
He felt ill inside and wanted to cry but instead just sat there, looking at the sheets and wondering how he was going to get out of the mess he'd made.