neutral_omens | (no subject)

"Whoa now." Brian blinked rapidly. There was a lot to think about here, and not much time to do it in. "Sorry to hear that, mate." He was sorry for her too.

He went straight for what, after a little thought, was the most mysterious point. "But why'd you tell her that? I thought you...well..."

Bloody awful business, New Year's. It shouldn't be allowed. But Brian guessed if it could happen to Adam, it really could happen to anyone.

Adam's eyes went ever so slightly steely. "Thought what?"

Brian took another swig of stout to cool the mildly electrical feeling of having suddenly stepped on a live wire.

"I just thought...sometimes...the way you looked at her made me think...you might turn out to like her that way, y'know. That something might happen someday. That's all!"

Taking solace in his own drink, Adam muttered, "I do. Maybe. It's complicated. But it don't matter what I like. She understands that."

"Hm." Brian took another sip to buy himself time to think about this. "How come it don't matter what you like? I thought that was what mattered."

"What matters is keepin' everyone safe, not my... my love life." Such as it was. Being lusted after by demons and tempted by one of his best friends hardly counted in his opinion. "I can't get distracted."

"Thing is," Brian said, digging through a muddy swamp of memories that only got muddier in Adam's presence. "If I 'member right, you got distracted a lot as a kid. Hell, you got those old New Age magazines and you were out of it for weeks!"

"Now," Brian said, loosened a little by stout stout, "I sure ain't the expert on these things, but seems to me you decided what you did the first time around because of what you like, didn't ya?"

"Anyway, so take it f'r what it's worth--not much--but seems to me it'd be a rough old world of you're all...frustrated. Matters a lot more'n if you're happy than say...me."

Brian had a point. But before Adam was eleven, he had no idea what he could do, and afterward nothing terribly important was happening. He liked the world. He still did, and that was why he was doing all of this. It was harder now, more political than brute force, but his motivations hadn't changed, only the method.

Blushing furiously, he looked up at Brian, probably the only person he could speak to on this particular subject, and asked a question in return. "Bri, what d'you think would happen if I jus'... let go... like that?"

He downed the rest of his drink like he wanted to drown in it, glorified apple juice or no. "Besides, I am happy - least if you are. An' it matters more'n you think that you are."

"That's a good question," Brian said, looking down into his drink to see if the answer was there. It wasn't. Only sediment of a sort this brand of stout didn't normally develop. "I dunno what'd happen. I bet you don't either. Weird shit, for sure, but how d'you know it'd all be bad? Maybe the whole world'd fall in love. Like one of those sappy musicals Pepper hates." He chuckled a little at the thought of her having to live in one.

As for the last item, well, kind of pointless to go there. "I am happy too. Lots of folks have it worse than me. Nice place to live, plenty to eat, good friends," he raised his glass to Adam. "can't complain."

Adam blushed harder. "I was thinkin' more... physically. I mean, d'you remember when we were 'bout 14 an' somethin' happened near the end of Lent to make all the power go out in Tadfield for a week? School was closed an' the traffic lights weren't workin' an' we hadda eat Easter dinner early before it went bad? That, uh, that was me. I had a dream 'bout... well, that's not important, but I jus' can't risk it, you know?" This was all terribly embarrassing, but after that particular incident, Adam learned that he needed to be a bit more pro-active with what his body wanted to do or it would do it without his permission. At least if he was conscious he could control the effects...

He shook his head. "Don't matter if you're more comfortable than other folks. 's not about comparin'. But if you don't wanna talk about it, I'm not gonna make you. Jus' thought you'd like to, is all."

Brian's eyes went wide, and he'd have spilled the dregs of his drink all over himself if he'd been drinking with anyone but Adam. "You mean...oh, shiiiiit, mate, you can't even...you have to...?" He looked at his friend with horror and a bit of awe. "Fuck, if it was me I'd've blown a lot of stuff up by now."

"Y'know, you seem pretty sure I've got somethin' to talk about. Little bird tell you?"

He smiled wryly. At least it hadn't been too difficult to put things back together after they'd blown up. "But you c'n see why it's not fair to get... anyone involved in that."

Then Adam smiled gently. "More like a little bird saw you."

Brian slammed his glass down hard. "That son of a BITCH, what'd he say?"

He pinched his nose. "I didn't mean any harm, Adam, I swear I didn't...I just wanted..."

Adam looked surprised. "Take it easy, Bri. Weren't a him who saw you at all."

He put his hand on Brian's comfortingly. "An' you didn't do nothin' wrong, you know. It don't bother me, but I guess it does you..."

Brian realized he'd been imagining Wensleydale making fun of him behind his back, and how ridiculous that was when he really thought about it. "Not a him? Was it...uh oh."

"It bothers me because it bothered him, it seems."

"It seems?" prodded Adam gently. "You don't know?"

"Well, sure seemed like he liked it at first." As wretched as he felt about the whole thing, Brian couldn't help but smile a little bitterly remembering that. "Then, I guess, I dunno, I flinched a little, didn't know what he meant by it. An' he gave me this awful look, like he'd been caught drinkin' out of the toilet like Dog or somethin', and he bolted. Hasn't said boo to me since. What am I s'posed to think?"

"You don't think maybe he was just scared an' didn't know what to do?" asked Adam. "'s not like either of you have done this before or anythin'. Maybe he needs time to figure stuff out. It don't mean he doesn't like you."

He rested his head on his hand. "You gotta remember, this is Wens. He always follows the rules. An' kissin' other boys ain't exactly in the usual rules. So he's gotta decide what's most important to him. You, too, actu'ly..."

"Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's true."

Thoughts were racing giddily around Brian's head now and he decided he might as well let a few out. If Adam wanted a Talk, he'd get one. "I just thought...see, I always thought, if ya like doin' something, you just keep doin' it, right? Sometimes it kinda ruins it if you stop and think. And I gotta admit...I guess I was the one 'at did that. But, I dunno, it seemed like he was likin' it, and maybe it could handle a little thinkin'. Reckon I was wrong about that, because that look on his face..."

When the sudden thought occurred to him, it was like a stone tablet from heaven smashing on his head. A blank one. "You don't think...d'you know if...he's ever kissed anyone before?"

"As long as it don't bother anyone else or yourself, that's true," Adam agreed. "But sometimes people can like somethin' and be mad at themselves for likin' it, too."

Then he smiled a little wistfully. Of course he knew, but it wasn't fair to just go saying stuff all the time if people hadn't said it to him personally. "What d'you think?" he asked softly. "Would it surprise you?"

"Mad at himself for likin' it..." Brian mused, mostly thinking aloud. "Yeah, that would be like him, wouldn't it?" Maybe me too. A little.

"What do I think? I think maybe some girl might've planted one on him, and he thought it was a joke. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. 'S'funny. He acts like he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders. But it's you who really does."

"Wouldn't surprise me," Adam admitted.

Then he smiled faintly. "Wens has the weight of his world on his shoulders an' that's 'bout what he c'n handle. But his world jus' changed a whole lot, an' that's scary."

Adam tilted his head and regarded his most easy-going friend. "Yours did, too. You okay with that, Bri? Is this what you want?"

"If so, that's a shame. He ought to get proper kisses. Lots of 'em. Preferably from me. Bein' honest with you - and I don't guess you'll let me be anything else--that is what I want. A whole lot. But sometimes, y'know, if you figure there's no chance in hell you'll get what you want, sometimes it hurts less to just try an' talk yourself out of it."

"As to what he can handle, well," and here Brian's look got just a little bit sly. "Little bit of the weight shiftin' around is good for 'im. Just isn't natural to sit up that straight all the time."

Adam grinned. "I guess you jus' gotta figure out what he wants, then. If it means anythin' to you, me an' Pep like the idea of you two bein' together an awful lot. An' I dunno... I think I'd rather try for what I want, even if there's a chance I might not get it than def'nitely not get it at all."

He laughed. "Or keep his room so tidy."

"Oh, you like it do you? Have we got a peanut gallery now? That'll put Wens at ease for sure," Brian teased.

"There's a lot to be said for goin' for what you want. But there's not enough ale in the world..." He looked down for a second. "You know as well as I do that when Wens takes 'is clothes off he's prob'ly got another set on underneath."