"Something like that," he said, frowning a little confusedly, because that was it exactly if you looked at it one way, but completely the opposite if you looked from the other direction. "Like, I could be John the Bastard out there with everybody else, but not show them the--hell, I don't know, whatever it is you liked, John the Not-So-Much-A-Bastard, I guess...because they'd use that against me, see? ...Well, sure you do. They did, and that was the whole problem." He sighed. "And then with you I could be that, but not the other. And it just didn't work, splitting myself in two like that. Playing Jekyll and Hyde."
He bowed his head, feeling defeated. He really didn't know how he could make Kit understand this. She likely saw it as an addiction, like Brendan's drinking, and in a way it was that, but there was more to it. Addicts could learn to control their own behavior, but how was he supposed to control all the things that the world threw at him whether he went looking for them or not? "They're both real, and I need them both, but there wasn't any place I could be both."
And that, it occurred to him suddenly, might explain more than anything why he'd wound up here. Tadfield Manor was chock full of other people who understood that kind of dilemma, because they shared it. Here, he could let the lines blur a little. Cold comfort that was at the moment.
"It's not like a nine to five job, you know?" he added disconsolately. "Can't just punch out and call it a day. I don't always go looking for the bad shit. Sometimes it's not looking for me either, it just finds me. I'm lucky it doesn't follow me home more often."
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He bowed his head, feeling defeated. He really didn't know how he could make Kit understand this. She likely saw it as an addiction, like Brendan's drinking, and in a way it was that, but there was more to it. Addicts could learn to control their own behavior, but how was he supposed to control all the things that the world threw at him whether he went looking for them or not? "They're both real, and I need them both, but there wasn't any place I could be both."
And that, it occurred to him suddenly, might explain more than anything why he'd wound up here. Tadfield Manor was chock full of other people who understood that kind of dilemma, because they shared it. Here, he could let the lines blur a little. Cold comfort that was at the moment.
"It's not like a nine to five job, you know?" he added disconsolately. "Can't just punch out and call it a day. I don't always go looking for the bad shit. Sometimes it's not looking for me either, it just finds me. I'm lucky it doesn't follow me home more often."